I hope I’m making your head spin, because it’s about time someone turned this whole idea about when to share a first kiss upside down.
It’s easy to explain why I get such a strong reaction whenever I publicly say, “hey ladies, hold off on kissing for 3 months if a long term relationship is what you’re looking for.” It goes against what you’ve been taught, that nobody will wait around that long. But you’re wrong to believe that.
(By the way, I have nothing against just having what I call fun-fun. You know, the no strings attached, just for the hell of it fun fun sex. If you want fun-fun then have all the fun-fun you want! But if long term is your goal and you haven’t been lucky enough to have good intuition, then pay attention)
“You’re insane! No one will wait 3 months for a kiss!” I hear all the time, and what they’re really saying is, “You’re saying something contrary to the message I subconsciously pick up a dozen times a day, reinforced in every direction I look.” And I get that, this particular message is the scariest thing you’ve heard all day.
I understand that we’ve been taught that kissing is the way to start a relationship. But how did chemistry, not compatibility, become the #1 criterion for figuring out whether or not this guy is going to grow with you, be around for the long haul, and develop good relationship tools if he doesn’t have them already? How does kissing tell you whether or not he’s telling the truth about where he really lives, if he’s single and devoted of character, and if he’s someone willing to work hard to achieve goals?
Choose the right man for a relationship
The fact is, we are sold fun-fun as the path to achieving a long term, loving relationship, and it’s just plain backwards.
So let’s talk about what’s actually NATURAL for our species, us lovely human beings.
Let me take you faaarrrr back into time, before advertising and TV programming warped our minds and convinced us to sell ourselves short in our quest for a partner who’ll be invested in us for the long run. Back to Cave Man and Cave Woman days, when survival depended on us making good decisions not just on a daily basis, but on a moment to moment basis. When choosing the wrong man meant the difference between life and death (being a single mom just doesn’t cut it in the jungle), not just a number of hellish years followed by periods of grief and regret. What did we do then? What did we look for? And why shouldn’t we be looking for those same qualities, in that same way now?
Back when there were a lot less of us we understood that safety came with numbers, and we had to be super smart when choosing our inner circle. Choose a lazy man, and you faced a higher risk of death if you became pregnant. Childbirth sometimes came with complications, labour itself could take hours if not days, and those first few years with a baby inhibited your ability to forage for food and run from predators. A woman had to be certain her mate was strong enough to protect and ambitious enough to provide food not just for her, but for the baby they’d ultimately make.
Sex then meant that we “pair bonded” for a period of 5 to 7 years (yes, we actually have a 7 year itch). We certainly took the time to observe our mates before choosing one to settle down with, and the fact that our species is still here is proof that we were intelligent when it came to that.
Let’s be clear Ladies, the media knows you inside and out. The companies selling the stuff they say will make us happier have invested millions of dollars before a commercial is even shot to understand how we tick, and boy have they got us nailed.
They know that we operate from two basic principles; 1) that our lizard brain is driving us to have sex as much as possible in order to continue our species, and 2) our lizard brain is still fear driven… And they’re running with it. Sex and Fear will sell us anything from toothpaste to diet pills to cars, and get us to do anything… like damage our body and go into unnecessary dept.
Every day you turn on the radio or TV, watch a movie, read a magazine, pick up a newspaper, or see a billboard, you’re bombarded with FEAR and SEX. In essence, be sexy, have sex, or fear the repercussions in the form of social exclusion if you don’t.
But today, us women are told to ignore the instinct to be discerning. (Um, WTF) Women’s sexuality is thrown out as something to be given without proof of merit, and we’re the ones who suffer the consequences when the relationship fails and we end up wondering, “Why did I waste so much time??”
See, when we kiss there’s some science that happens – the science of Chemistry. Our lips come together to create a super bonding chemical aphrodisiac called Phenylethylamine, and our female brains tell us when we exchange that first kiss that we’ve gone through the vetting process and shuts us down, locking us into that person. Case closed, you’ve picked a protector and provider, it’s procreation time! And when the reality turns out to be the opposite, we end up feeling hurt and confused.
So ladies, take your power back. Sit back and let the men compete for what they hold most precious, YOU. Let them show you through their actions, not their promises, just what they are all about. Then give them the greatest gift of all…your kiss and your devotion.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationships. Her booksComeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss,andFix That Shitare available on Amazon. View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list to be eligible for free giveaways.