Stand back, cause I might make your head spin. And the fact is, it’s time for someone to turn this idea about when to share that first kiss upside down. We’ve been putting the cart before the horse for too long, and I’m about to put the horse back where it belongs. Where it gets the job done.
WATCH: WHAT WILL NOT KISSING FOR 3 MONTHS MAKE ME LOSE?
This idea that we should kiss to see where it goes, instead of seeing where it goes and kissing the right one is kind of crazy. You’re committing to a stranger, and then hoping he’s Mr. Right, instead of Mr. UhOh.
(By the way, I have nothing against having what I call fun-fun. You know, the no strings attached, just because you want it, fun sex. If you want fun-fun then have all the fun-fun you want! But if a long term relationship is your goal and you haven’t been lucky in love yet, then you’ll appreciate what you’re about to read next)
“You’re insane! No one will wait 3 months for a kiss!” I hear this all the time. Here’s the translation: “You’re saying something wildly contrary to the message I’ve subconsciously picked up. Men won’t wait for a kiss, and if I tell them to wait, they’ll just move on because there’s a woman who won’t wait right around the corner.”
I understand we’ve been taught that kissing is the way to start a relationship. But how did chemistry, instead of compatibility, become the #1 criterion for figuring out whether or not this guy is going to grow with you, be around for the long haul, and develop good relationship tools if he doesn’t have them already? How does kissing tell you whether or not he’s telling the truth about where he lives, if he’s single, and devoted enough to ultimately make you, and only you, the apple of his eye? How does it tell you if he can hold his temper, keep a job, and be financially responsible?
WATCH: 3 MEN DISH ON WHAT THEY APPRECIATE ABOUT MY NO KISSING ABOUT 3 MONTHS RULE
Those relationships you’ve left behind, did the kisses you shared on first, second, or third dates give you any indication of what would tear you apart down the road?
The fact is, we are sold fun-fun as the path to achieving a long term, loving relationship, but that’s (ass)backward. Because when it comes to men looking for a relationship, sexuality has very little to do with their selection process. It’s who you are that’ll matter most.
So let’s talk about a more NATURAL way of choosing a partner. Because when you think about it, it’s choosing a stranger and hoping for the best that’s counter-intuitive, isn’t it?
Take my hand and let me take you faaarrrr back into time, before advertising and TV programming warped our minds and convinced us to sell ourselves short in our quest for a partner who’ll be invested in us for the long run. Back to Cave Man and Cave Woman days, when survival depended on us making good decisions not just on a daily basis, but on a moment to moment basis. When choosing the wrong man meant the difference between life and death (being a single mom just doesn’t cut it in the jungle), not just a number of hellish years followed by periods of grief and regret.
What did we do then? What did we look for? And why shouldn’t we be looking for those same qualities, in that same way, now?
WATCH: I GET MY “DATE” TO AGREE TO NO KISSING FOR 3 MONTHS! WATCH TO LEARN HOW TO ASK
Back when there were a lot less of us we understood that safety came with numbers, and we had to be super smart when choosing our inner circle. Choose a lazy man, and you faced a higher risk of death. Childbirth sometimes came with complications, labor itself could take hours if not days, and those first few years with a baby inhibited our ability to forage for food and run from predators. A woman had to be certain her mate was strong enough to protect and ambitious enough to provide food not just for her, but for the baby they’d ultimately make.
So we certainly took the time to observe our mates before choosing one to settle down with. And the fact that our species is still here is proof that we women were pretty darn intelligent when it came to that.
Listen, mainstream media know that we operate from two basic principles; 1) our lizard brain is driving us to have sex as much as possible in order to continue our species, and 2) our lizard brain is still fear driven… Sex and Fear will sell us anything from toothpaste to diet pills to cars, and encourage us to choose people before we know who they are.
WATCH: DON’T LET THIS HABIT WRECK YOUR LOVE LIFE
Every day you turn on the radio or TV, watch a movie, read a magazine, pick up a newspaper, or see a billboard, you’re bombarded with FEAR and SEX. In essence, be sexy, have sex, or fear the repercussions in the form of social exclusion if you don’t.
And today, women are told to ignore the instinct to be discerning. Women’s sexuality is thrown out as something to be given without proof of merit, and we’re the ones who suffer the consequences when the relationship fails and we end up wondering, “Why did I waste so much time??”
So let’s back up a bit, and find the spot where most of our dating mistakes take place.
It’s Science Time! And I f**king love science.
Our lips coming together actually creates a chemical aphrodisiac called Phenylethylamine. THIS is why kissing precedes sex! But that same chemical also tells our female brain that we’ve completed a selection process and chosen the best partner for ourselves – even if in fact we haven’t.
Haven’t you noticed that once you exchange that first kiss two things happen? 1) We turn down other offers for dates. “I’m seeing someone” we’ll tell that next man to ask us out, even if we kissed a stranger. Effectively tying ourselves to someone we don’t quite know yet, and excluding opportunities with anyone else. And 2) We feel like we know a whole lot about that person already, painting a picture about their character and what our future will look like together. And when the reality turns out to be the opposite, we end up feeling hurt and confused.
WATCH: WHY NO MORE ASSHOLES WILL HELP YOU FIND MR. RIGHT
So, ladies, I want to see you take your power back. To be comfortable sitting back and letting the men compete for what they hold most precious, YOU. To not commit to someone because you’re afraid of losing an opportunity for a relationship, but to commit to someone who’s committed to you. To let them show you through their actions, not their promises, just what they’re all about. And then give them the greatest gift of all…your kiss and your devotion.
“But Chantal! I have no idea how to even start dating like this! And won’t a guy run if I say I don’t want to kiss right away?” Great point, and great question!
First, only selfish, short term thinkers will run if you say you’re not kissing so soon. Which you want, because those are the ones who’ll break your heart anyway, right? So watch those ones fade off, leaving just the generous, long term thinkers in your sights. You know, the ones who are actually looking for a relationship and think you might be the one.
And I make it so easy, because the first thing I teach you is how to reduce your anxiety so that all this becomes one of the best things you’ve ever done. Look, finding love doesn’t have to be hard. It’s our social conditioning that’s created all this discontent when it comes to having a loving partner.
But I’m the revolution starter, the one who’s going to show you how to let the ones who’ll hurt you walk away, so you can give the great men waiting for their opportunity a chance to be seen for who they are. Amazing, devoted, responsible, loving partners who are ready to settle down and show you off as the woman they love. And that’s what I call a Win-Win.
Once he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage, read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps To Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesomeand make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together. This book helps you understand how to keep little things from turning into big fights, and this is vital to laying the groundwork that you’ll build on for years to come. There’s a reason why I say this book makes your first year AWESOME.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is helping you understand and clarify those confusing moments, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you begin to feel like you’ve got a great action plan in hand. Heck, I even give you the scripts for those difficult conversations. My specialty is making love happen easily for you. So choose your plan, and let’s create some Magic in your love life.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favourite online book retailer) . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get a free book!) and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.