I just got dumped after a two-month relationship that started out pretty hot and heavy but fizzled right after we started saying “I love you.” It doesn’t make any sense to me.
We had great chemistry and everything seemed OK. I felt like he was into me as much as I was into him. But out of the blue, he broke up with me last weekend, saying it wasn’t working out for him and he was too busy for a relationship. I’m so confused… We got along fine and nothing seemed wrong.
Why do guys get cold feet like that?
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Don’t you hate it when you give your all, only to have someone just walk away? To feel like the effort you put in, along with the time and emotions you invested were for nothing? To spin in the “What did I do’s?” trying to pinpoint the moment he decided it just wasn’t enough for the commitment you were looking for? I certainly did.
And I have to admit, our current way of dating is sort of ticking me off. How do you NOT feel attached to the outcome when you’re kissing and having sex and falling for someone because everything seems fine? So, of course you’re confused. It looked like you were building something together, and now, suddenly, you’re not. Goodbye, and have a nice day.
Does it seem fair? Not to me. But our dating rules say “Kiss, to see where it goes.” And that’s what’s leaving so many of us feeling hurt over and over. Well, I’ve got a solution for your bruised heart. See where it goes, and then kiss the one who stays. So first, I’m going to teach you why all this sucked so much, and then I’ll give you the tools to keep this from happening again.
Did you ask this guy before you kissed if he was looking for something long term? Or if he was just out there, having fun? Because for men, there’s a big difference, and most of them already know when you start seeing each other exactly where this is going to go – they’re just not telling unless you ask directly.
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The thing is, the chemicals our bodies produce that initially bring us together can be pretty strong, and what we thought was reality just ended up being our human, biological body’s reaction to physical affection.
Of course, it’s not like we’re going around thinking about these things, so when our drives and instincts loop us into a rush of uh-may-zing chemicals that make us feel warm and fuzzy and a little bit obsessed, we tend to misinterpret their meaning. Trust me, the Oxytocin coursing through your body like a freight train is made to feel a lot like love. It’s not called the love drug for nothing!
Next thing we know we just can’t hold back those three little words… “I love you.” He might have been the first to say it, or you might have been. Really, it doesn’t matter.
All that Oxytocin (released upon touch, making you feel warm and fuzzy and forgetful) and Dopamine (the chemical released when you snort cocaine also gets released when you smile at each other. Oops!) is making you both feel really fantastic. But like all opioid-like chemicals produced inside our bodies, eventually we begin to create a resistance and the effects wear off.
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This is a normal evolution, and at this point, either couples transition from the honeymoon phase to getting down to creating a life together, or the relationship is dropped like a hot potato because a commitment was never on the horizon in the first place.
WATCH: WHAT IS “BEST BEHAVIOUR SYNDROME”?
Look, we’re meant to intitially look bright and shiny to each other so we’ll get together, but most of us fall for that without doing our due diligence… finding out if the other person is on the same page as us.
Which doesn’t work for a few reasons. First, because we haven’t given enough time for reality to set in and give us a clearer sense of who this other person is. Unfortunately our culture today puts too strong an emphasis on figuring out chemistry before compatibility, which is why we now have so many women scratching their heads wondering why it all fell apart.
Which brings me to the second reason falling for that chemical cocktail is ass-backwards… we, the females of our species, are designed to have a wait and see mechanism to picking partners.
Think fertility cycles. Women? Off, and then on – we’re literally designed to have some time to observe males putting on a display, so we can then choose the best one.
Men though? I’ll give you a second… On 24/7, right? That’s because they’re designed to be ready to plant that seed when we choose them. And how did we seal the deal? With a kiss that releases a chemical that acts as an aphrodisiac for both, and an emotionally bonding agent for her.
What we should be doing is letting men show us their willingness to stick around and practice those important 3 P’s – Protect, Profess, and Provide – before we kiss and commit, the way it normally happens in the animal world (yes, we’re mammals. There’s no way around that).
But our cultural story has taken us in a different direction. Boy meets girls, boy kisses girl on the first, second, or third date, boy and girl live happily ever after.
But real life ain’t Hollywood, and subscribing to the meet and kiss methodology is getting you into trouble because it tosses you into a relationship with someone you don’t know is ready to commit yet. I mean, shouldn’t you know the answers to these questions before you kiss?
You deserve to know all this before a first kiss takes place because that kiss actually releases a chemical called Phenylethalamine, designed to tell us “we did our homework and picked a winner.”
WATCH: WHY THIS BOOK NO MORE ASSHOLES HELPS YOU PICK THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU
But did we? The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and unless you’ve been giving him enough time to show his true personality you really just don’t know.
So how do you avoid these flash in the pan relationships? Well, if you’ve been following me you already know what I’m going to say….
I know, you’re afraid you’ll lose a good relationship before it can even get off the ground. Surely if you even whisper something like that to a guy you’re dating he’s going to stop texting and making plans.
WATCH: WHY NOT KISSING LANDS MR. RIGHT
And if you do it wrong, he definitely will. It’s a delicate dance to let someone know you want to wait, without making him feel rejected. That’s why I’m a Dating Coach… I teach you how to dance not just with a partner, but with the right partner.
The fact is, guys who don’t make it to that 3-month mark are the ones who’ll be a flash in the pan regardless of whether or not you’ve kissed and had sex. When it comes to males, getting physical isn’t the deciding factor for long term commitment.
Having a deep sense of compatibility and a desire to settle down is though, and for men, those feelings can develop whether or not you’re locking lips. Because both of those come about only when he gets to know you.
Is he done sowing his wild seeds? Does he feel happy with himself? Is he satisfied with where he is in life? Is he completely over his ex? All those and more contribute to his sense of readiness and manliness, and if he doesn’t feel like he’s ready he’ll back out when things start to feel serious.
WATCH: WHAT YOU’LL LOSE BY NOT KISSING FOR 3 MONTHS (YOU’LL BE SURPRISED!)
Sometimes it’s not you, it’s just timing. Don’t take it personally when things don’t work out. Instead, take a look at your dating tactics and ask yourself “what can I do next time to make sure I don’t end up here again?”
Create your perfect man list and populate it like crazy. Be clear about who you’re looking for and don’t be afraid to ask for a lot. You’ll end up compromising on some things that aren’t key, and have more clarity on what your deal breakers are.
If you’re going about it thinking “I’ll know when I find it”, the laws of attraction – like attracts like – means you’ll end up with someone equally unclear.
Meditate so you don’t feel anxious about the whole dating process. Being able to give space without panicking will help the right ones come to you, instead of you chasing the wrong one. Plus reducing your anxiety means when the wrong ones start to fade off you won’t try to pull them back in. You need to be available for the right man, and that means not being tied up with the wrong one.
WATCH: WHY DO YOU CHASE AFTER GUYS WHO PULL AWAY, AND RUN FROM ATTENTIVE MEN?
Know your standards and maintain a no kissing for 3 months rule to weed out selfish, short term thinkers (aka Guys). Set a specific date so you take the question of “is it the right time now?” off both your minds and you can truly focus on getting to know each other.
It’s because of all this that I wrote the book No More Assholes – Your 7 Step Guide To Saying Goodbye To Guys and Finding The Real Man You’re Looking For. I’ve been where you are way too many times, and it wasn’t until I got into the science of how we get together and cracked open men’s brains to figure out how they think that I finally figured it out. I kept getting hurt and disappointed over and over because I just wasn’t choosing right. I kept opening my arms to Guys who were in selfish, short term thinking mode, instead of staying open for the Men who were in a generous, long term thinking state of mind.
Are you afraid you’ll lose someone special before 3 months is up? If you follow my advice and for whatever reason don’t make it to the 3 month anniversary, count yourself lucky you didn’t end up in another dead-end relationship that sucked up months, if not years of your life.
Look, You’ve got better things to do than being tied to someone who doesn’t have the same end goal as you in terms of love and commitment. So don’t be afraid of losing someone. Instead, be afraid of missing your opportunity for The One.
Here’s what you can do going forward:
To understand how to find that man who’s ready to commit, read No More Assholes where you’ll learn to use my 2X vetting process. Here, you’re going to vet twice; once for mindset (selfish, short term thinking, versus generous, long term thinking) and then again for compatibility. This way, your next kiss will be with someone super amazing who’s truly ready to settle down with you.
If he’s not ready to let you walk away, or you do find that man and you’ve committed to each other, it’s time to take it to the next stage! So be sure to pick up a copy of After The First Kiss – 7 Steps That Make Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together. In this book, I walk you through all the common early mistakes and help make sure you don’t turn little things into big fights. Early relationships can get shaky fast, and this book helps you avoid breaking up before you can get off the ground. And when you set a strong foundation there’s nowhere to go but up.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. Happiness shouldn’t be hard, because Love shouldn’t be hard. Let me teach you the simple steps to lining everything up for yourself, because you deserve to understand the simplicity to building Love with an amazing partner.