How frustrating is it to spend time thinking up a text that’s not too hot, not too cold, open without being too long, signalling interest without sounding too needy, then waited with bated breath… only to get a one word response in return? Or a thumbs up? Or even worse, a “read” notification and no reply at all?
How annoyed are you at getting text after text with no questions, no curiosity about who you are and what you like, and no signs of making plans?
How tired are you of wondering if this is actually going anywhere? Of asking yourself if you should wait longer, see if things develop your way, or quit this one (cause admit it, he hooked your imagination and heart already), mourn your loss, then find the strength to keep looking?
If this is the merry-go-round you keep finding yourself on, here are tips to liberate your time, heart, and mind. Follow these cues to pull away from Mr. Not For You before your feelings cloud your judgement, and find Mr. Right For You much, much faster.
FIRST, UNDERSTAND WHO YOU’RE DEALING WITH
The fact is, too many dating women are miserable because they don’t understand there are two types of males out there – Guys, who are selfish, short term thinkers, and Men, who are generous, long term thinkers.
As women, our biggest mistake is choosing the wrong type for a relationship. And as humans, it’s completely understandable why.
See, guys are fun, flashy, and exciting. They’re dynamic, engaging, and charismatic. It’s no wonder women fall for them, and fast, when they find themselves in a guy’s cross-hairs.
Men on the other hand are the ones women tend to call “boring” (they’re so not, by the way). They’re steady, responsible, careful, and protective of their time and inner circle. They’re guarded with their words and environment, and get a kick out of being under-estimated. They’re not shy or quiet, they’re simply selective. And without the right insight women push them away to make room for the one who makes their heart go pitter-patter at first sight.
But in the end, women choosing initial thumping over careful consideration are doing themselves a disservice. And the consequences are far reaching; good men sit on the sidelines wondering why they can’t find a partner who’ll appreciate them, while I’m here trying to get women to undo the conditioning that makes them overlook their efforts.
Lose, lose, it seems.
It doesn’t make sense to me, that women are unhappily bouncing from one guy to another complaining about the lack of quality attention they’re getting, while men are dying to give love, support, and stability to someone who’ll appreciate everything.
Buy the book that gets you using my 7 step VETTING PROCESS
STOP MAKING SPACE FOR GUYS WHO AREN’T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP
When it comes to choosing someone to take up your time you need to know what type he is. But you won’t be able to tell anything based on what he says, unless what he’s saying is “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Then, you gotta listen, and listen hard, cause he’s telling you the truth.
For the most part, males actually don’t want to lie to you. I mean, they may gloss, sugar coat, and kinda sorta dismiss the topic, but they like being able to point to something they’ve said and reiterate that they never led you astray – you just decided to ignore what they told you the first time.
So here are some pointers for figuring out early on what his intent is:
Ask directly. If you never ask “Are you looking for a relationship? Or still just having fun?” at the very beginning you’re allowing someone who’s already made up his mind to have his fun, without any accountability towards YOUR end goal. That’s a bonus win for him, because he won’t have to face the conversation you actually need to make a decision that’s right for you.
Tell him you don’t kiss for 3 months. This is your #1 best bet for quickly weeding out the ones who have zero intent in pursuing a long term relationship with you. If exploring who you are with an eye towards figuring compatibility so you can start something significant is the furthest thing from his mind, you’re going to see him drop off your radar pretty quick. Good. You don’t want to waste any time on someone in selfish, short term thinking mode when what you’re looking for is a generous, long term thinker. And by the way, no kissing doesn’t mean no affection. Learn how to use this Here.
Pay attention to his attention. Anybody can give a lot of attention early on. Newness is exciting, but if his interest in you isn’t deeper than physical it won’t be long before it dies off. Especially if he’s not getting past kissing like, right now or soon thereafter. So stick to your no kissing rule, and see what happens to his attention. Does he make an effort to see you that whole time? If he can’t last 3 months as a friend, he definitely won’t last as a partner. Cause if the one hurdle he can’t overcome is “You’ve got to get to know me for 3 months”, what makes you think he’ll tackle BIGGER obstacles at your side?
Check reciprocity. If your texts get short answers, if you make plans but he never does, if you’re the only one starting conversations, then this one sided exchange is doomed to end up in the “Another one bites the dust” pile. Give some time to see how he develop. If it’s hot and heavy at first but fizzles before your 3 month kiss anniversary, be happy you didn’t get caught up with this short term guy.
Date more than one at a time. This is where that awesome, time saving no kissing for 3 months rule really saves your butt. If you’re anything like me and the bazillion women I hear from, talk to, and work with, then that first kiss seals the deal. Which means, if a man comes along and asks, “Hey, let’s go out” you’re gonna to look at him and say, “Sorry, I’m seeing somebody.” Don’t do that. Tell all comers you don’t kiss for 3 months, and see who stays that long. Then, kiss the one who won your heart fair and square.
BECOMING FRIENDS IS A GOOD THING. KISSING A FRIEND IS EVEN BETTER.
Look, I know what you want. Someone who loves you, stands up for you, and gives you sweet lovin’s every day in a way you loooooove. Someone who not only shares dreams with you, but works hard to make them come true. Someone trustworthy, dedicated, who can’t wait to end every day with you because you’re the sweetest spot in this world.
But you’ll never meet him if you keep kissing his polar opposite.
You’ve got to stop getting caught up on guys. Stop boarding trains that are doomed to derail, just because you didn’t give time to show you his stripes. If he’s really into you, not just what he can get from you, he’s not going anywhere my Sister.
And remember, fear is the most expensive emotions you’ll ever have. Time, money, even self-esteem and confidence can fly out the window if you allow the wrong person into your life. So if you’re afraid of losing someone just because you say “We’ve got to get to know each other for a timeframe that’s not too long, not too short before we have that first kiss”, maybe it’s time to start looking at what you’re really afraid of.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favourite online book retailer) . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get a free book!) and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.