If arguing is a release of pent up emotion, and it’s healthier to express yourself than not, then couples should totally fight it out, right?
WATCH: HOW DO YOU GET HIM TO HEAR YOU?
What are you fighting about?
He didn’t take the garbage out. You didn’t put the remote back on the coffee table. His gym clothes have been in that bag for a week instead of the laundry. You didn’t tell him you were all going to your parents’ for dinner Saturday of the big game. He hasn’t made time to have dinner with you in a week. You went over budget last month. He quit his job. You called him a nasty name.
Every couple would prefer to work out their differences in a calm, civilized conversation when they’re unhappy. But sometimes we want to yell! We want to lay blame! We want someone else to fix the problems! Sure, you can calmly discuss the matter of whose turn it was to take out the garbage, (unless it was the fifth time in a row!) but if you’re fearful of the amount of debt you’ve accumulated then the conversation is likely to be emotional, fraught with anger and accusations. A fight brews and quickly. Things are said at top volume, curses are flung, and now you have to decide whether to share the bed with that miserable grouch or sleep on the couch tonight.
Are you fighting because you’re upset or are you fighting just to fight?
Arguing is a misunderstood form of communication. You may think he’s just being grumpy or argumentative for the sake of irritating you, but he’s unsuccessfully telling you something is very wrong. Just like when you don’t know how else to tell him that the fact this is the fifth time he’s forgotten to take the garbage out and you feel like you’re not in a partnership, but instead of saying that you snap at him that he’s got to get his lazy bones up off the couch and actually DO something. Make sure you stay on topic. Ask him if there is anything else that has upset him. Don’t take cheap shots just because you want to win; you won’t.
There’s a right way to fight.
In order for the argument to be effective 2 things have to happen:
You have to say what you mean.
There is a poorly conceived notion that women aren’t good at choosing the right words to accurately reflect our feelings. We’re actually very good at it, it’s that we tend use more words than a man would to make our point. There is a poorly conceived notion that men always say what they mean. And they do a fairly good job of it, but they tend choose something else to fight about instead of revealing they’re heartsick because society is still leery of the emotional man.
The fight has to have an end.
The silent treatment is deadly to relationships. It is akin to indifference. That’s not to say you can’t pause the argument and take some time to cool down, but in order to achieve a solid relationship, you have to be able to talk to each other about the tough stuff, even if it means arguing. Fighting means you care, that you have a vested interest in this relationship, and that you want to find resolution together. The silent treatment means someone is walking away. The solution needs to fit both parties, which is where compromise comes in. Not complacency.
Both of you should be satisfied with the finale of this fight, even if it means you agree to disagree – it’s not your fault he likes the wrong hockey team! But he does, and that doesn’t hurt you, so enjoy a healthy hockey rivalry. It’s likely that your heated arguments are about personal emotions, and this is worth fighting for.
The relationship also needs forgiveness. Once forgiveness has been given, the rest is forgotten. You don’t tease him about something you’ve forgiven him for. He doesn’t bring up something he’s forgiven you for as an argument point later.
So fight, but fight with heart instead of heat.
Here’s what you can do going forward:
If no matter how hard you try you just can’t get it to work, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.
This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.
If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.
Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.