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When Should I Ask If He’s Looking For a Relationship?

Dear Chantal,

I’ve been dating someone for about a month now, and I’m wondering when is the right time to have The Relationship Talk? I want to know where this is going, and I don’t want to keep seeing him if he’s not looking to turn this into a commitment. On the other hand, I don’t want to scare him away by coming across as needy or serious too early. Or maybe he already sees this as a relationship, but he just hasn’t said so yet? I don’t know. It’s confusing!

Should I bring up that I want a relationship? Or just wait for him to bring it up first?



Dear Kathy,

Oh yes, I remember that feeling! Being into someone enough to want to start something serious, but emotionally stuck in limbo, wondering if their head is in the same space. It’s an unsettling place because on the one hand your heart is already invested and you don’t want to lose something that seems so good. But on the other, you want to save what’s left of your feelings if he’s not ready to commit.

And then, what if he does say that he’s not ready to commit yet? Do you stay and hope he gets there? Or move on before you invest more emotion and time? Sometimes this talk can feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So how do you clarify all this, hopefully in a way that brings him in instead of pushing him away? Well, here’s the thing; your future partner shouldn’t be put off by your willingness to be upfront about your desires and intentions, and by being transparent about your goals you’re likely to get exactly what you want faster. People who aren’t on the same page as you move on, while those who share your values and appreciate your traits stay and become part of your growth. (Click Here to learn more about what soulmates feel like)


Here’s the script you need:

So first, I’m going to give you the script for this super important conversation. Then, I’m going to tell you the ideal time to have this conversation, in case he’s not on board with you, and you have to start all over again.

Ready? Here’s what you say: “Hey Joe, I just want to say, I’m not telling you what to do, and you’re free to do what you want. I just need to let you know that while I’ve been having a lot of fun with you, I’m actually looking for a long term partner to start a life with. What about you?”

This opening is super important for a lot of reasons. Starting with letting him know that you’re not trying to control him helps you make sure he doesn’t go on the defensive. Because a man who feels defensive usually doesn’t hear what you’re saying. So make it clear that you’re not telling him what to do, you’re simply letting him know what you want. Following that up with a question that lets him speak his mind gives you an opportunity to understand where he’s at, and you want that. As scary as clarity is sometimes, we need it to make the decisions that are right for us.

Be sure to be what I call a word nerd when he answers. If he hems and haws, stalls, stumbles, and seems unsure in any way, that right there is your answer. A man who’s into you and wants something long term isn’t afraid to let you know.

Here are some reasons why he may not be ready right now.

I know it’s scary to put all this on the table, but I often say fear is the most expensive emotion you’ll ever have. And when it comes to dating one of the big costs of fear is the time you’ll lose on the wrong person.


Want to learn more? Continue Reading: HOW CAN I MAKE SURE I’M WITH THE RIGHT PERSON?

What if he’s NOT ready to commit? If that happens, and you’re tired of it all, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes – Your 7 Step Guide to Saying Goodbye to Guys and Finding The Real Man You’re Looking For and find someone really amazing.

If he IS ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage, read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps to Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome  and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together. This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for.  

Need help figuring the whole thing out? We can work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving you the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.

Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back. If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. It’s time to use different behaviours so you can get a different outcome, and I know what you need to do to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots. Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who can show you the way.

Chantal Heide - Canada's Dating Coach
Chantal Heide - Canada's Dating Coach
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favourite online book retailer) . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get a free book!) and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

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