Wouldn’t it be amazing to be in love with someone who leaves you with zero doubt that he’s your SoulMate? A relationship so connected, so intimate, so Magical that even if you didn’t believe in soulmates before, you certainly do now?
WATCH: 3 STEPS TO GETTING THEM TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Well, strap yourself in Lovely, because I’m about to give you hope that you can.
Why I’m so confident about that now, even though I was a doubter before.
“If you could just clear the static” the voice in my head was saying, “it could be so good.” This is what I kept hearing throughout eight years of constant fighting with my husband. And when I say constant, I mean the fights were still buzzing around in our heads, even when our lips were taking a break.
But year after year, fight after fight, we held on. Sometimes by a thread. Why? Because deep down we both felt that if we could get past the BS we were vomiting on each other from our past pains we’d be so good together. But what was that Goodness, anyway?
Well, the only way I can describe it is with this one simple word. Harmony. Harmony is that beautiful sound you hear when two musical instruments, be it two sets of vocal cords or a piano and a cello, meld their frequencies together to create something that’s super pleasing to our ears and minds.
We all have a frequency that can be felt – and I totally love the science of frequency. Frequency is what you hear the moment you turn the radio on. It’s the sound of your humming as you go about your day. It’s a single note on a piano, your favourite band rocking out, and the words coming out of your mouth.
And it’s fund in the tone of your soul too. You don’t hear it but you sometimes sure feel it, especially around someone you’re not jiving with. “Ugh, I feel like they just suck the energy out of me.”
We all have our own individual tone, like a musical note. And when you take this note and combine it with one that doesn’t compliment you just get noise. A racket that feels yucky and disruptive.
Without harmony, no matter how hard you try you just can’t bring yourself to like or accept someone whose tone is too dissimilar from yours. This isn’t to say you couldn’t one day, but for now, your frequencies just don’t harmonize.
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But when you mix your frequency with one that compliments yours, watch out… because you’ll feel some incredible music. When you’re with someone like this it’s like a melody you feel deep down, right to your core. And technically, it is.
What you’re feeling is your heart expanding and your body humming with strong feelings of love. There’s a sense of comfort and connection, and you can almost hear your own soul say, “this fits” loud and clear. And yes, this can seem confusing if your outer world together is filled with turmoil.
They call feelings like this “cognitive dissonance,” when opposing thoughts are happening simultaneously inside your head. “This feels so shitty,” says the train of thought associated to all the disagreements and fighting. And right behind that, “This feels sooooooo good”, every time you hold each other close and feel the complimentary hum of your frequencies melding together.
You see deep inside that person, past all the noise and BS life’s baggage creates. And what you notice is so beautiful it makes you ache inside.
LISTEN: 10 MINUTE MEDITATION DESIGNED TO INCREASE LOVE
But these connections aren’t without struggle, and it’s within the struggle that you’ll find a ton of spiritual and emotional growth. I know I did.
Yeah, but why does it have to be so difficult?
Because fundamentally, connection on any level is about growth….growing through the conditioning we’ve developed, growing past the baggage picked up in life, those things I call static. Growing into self-realization and personal development. Growing out of vomiting past hurts into your present life. And finally, growing into the happiness that’s more than what you’d been taught to expect.
These relationships may seem difficult on the surface, but they’re perfectly designed to help us move past all the fear we developed after breakups and betrayals and unkind words that stayed too long in our heads. These harmonic soul connections teach us patience and tolerance, and that Love is the spiritual tool designed to help us elevate our consciousness so we can conquer the Cavemen, lizard-like parts of our brains once and for all.
WATCH: WHY FIX THAT SHIT WILL SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, EVEN IF YOU’RE ON THE BRINK OF DIVORCE
I actually got my first taste of this after our first fight. I forget what it was about, I forget why he left, I forget how long he was gone for and I have no idea why he came back. But I’ll always remember how it felt when I opened the front door, and without a word fell into his open arms.
It was the first time I was conscious of just how well our bodies fit together, like one of us was made from the mold of the other. There was this energy that wrapped itself around us, and I had an unshakable premonition at that moment.
If we could work through our baggage, pure heaven waited on the other side.
That feeling turned into words, whispering through the next several years of fighting over kids, exes, money, and time; “If you could only clear the static, it would be so good.”
And that voice was right.
It was a long hard battle, punctuated by therapies and breakups. But we worked through it all because we saw into each other, felt that connection, and knew deep down we had harmony. Real harmony.
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Incidentally, my hubby is the least spiritual, most practical man I know. Yet somehow he’s also the wisest and most soulful person I’ve ever met.
As for myself, I’m what you’d call a “practical spiritualist”.
Yes, I have a lot of spiritual beliefs, but they’re built on my own (very) physical experiences. Like the time I brought some strangers energy into my own field of consciousness during meditation, said “hello” for the first time, felt the physicality of his presence, and then “knew” his leg was amputated. I know, “Whoa!” was what I said too.
I did this back in my 20’s, at a retreat designed to teach meditation techniques to give us a glimpse into the power of our own minds. It was seriously the coolest thing I’ve ever done, and it helped me realize we don’t have to be face to face to feel a connection with someone… even a complete stranger. That frequency and connection can happen no matter the distance.
By the way, never let harmony allow you to accept disrespectful treatment. Ever. Because though someone’s frequency might feel extremely complimentary not everyone is actively trying to be a better human being.
So let’s be crystal clear here.
Standards are the tools we use to help fellow humans reach higher evolutions and become better people. Absolutely every relationship has a code of conduct; respect me, my individuality, my freedom of expression, and my path to self-discovery. If any person in your life can’t follow those 4 simple rules then you need to re-evaluate your exposure to them.
If it’s family, you’ll want to keep the time you interact with them to a minimum.
If it’s a love interest, you need to create solid boundaries. If respect is unattainable with these people, say goodbye. They’ve got more growing to do before they’ve earned the right to share space with you.
Are you wondering if you’ve found your soul mate? Confused because there’s a lot of fighting? Are you already in a relationship with someone, but you don’t know if you can get to amazing together? Then first I want you to answer two questions: 1) Is he a hard-working man? and 2) Does he make you laugh more than anyone else on this planet? Say no to those two, and my advice is to move on. But if you’ve answered yes, then you have a great foundation and just need some tools to close the gap and get to Awesomeness.
Fix That Shit -A Couples Guide To Getting Past The Sticky Stuff is the book I wrote to teach you how to evolve your relationship from any amount of fighting to zero. Don’t believe me? Well, the advice inside is what I started to do when my relationship was so far down the tubes my husband was sleeping at his shop, because we couldn’t even stand to be under the same roof together. Now, I’m counting 4 blissful, fight free years as I write this.
And that, my Dear Reader, is what I call Magic. Something you deserve too.
Here’s what you can do:
If you know he’s right and it would be so great (if only you could clear the baggage), read Fix That Shit and create the Magic you deserve together. I teach you how to become the emotional leader your relationship needs, and the man who loves you will always follow your lead to functional love. The man who loves dysfunction more will stay behind, while you learn how to have a better relationship the next time around.
But what if you need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. I call myself your Sherpa, and I know how to help you make your way up the mountain, and into that loving relationship you’re dreaming of.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they're looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.