Before I get into the meat of this article I want to be sure you understand a very important distinction first: There are Men, and there are Guys.
What’s a Guy?
Guys are great, if what you want is fun and not much more. They’re not into commitments, and aren’t the settling type. Their mentality, for now, is selfish and short term. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Listen, I’ve been in that mindframe myself, once upon a time. Young and newly unshackled from an abusive relationship, there was no way I was ready to settle down for a while. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t up for some good, sexy fun.
In essence, I was in a Girl phase.
Most of us will go through a phase like this at some point in our lives, and one thing I like to say is we all have a right to our mindset. For me, I just wasn’t willing to commit to anyone till I’d taken enough time to level up in my maturity, gain some life experience without answering to a partner, and ensure I wasn’t going to repeat history by picking another abusive partner.
And for Guys, there are as many reasons why any one of them could be choosing to be in selfish, short term mode. Maybe they’re sowing their wild oats. Maybe they’re busy building their carreers, taking care of kids from past relationships, or just not feeling like they have enough emotions to spread around. Whatever their reasons, they have a right to them, and it’s up to us to choose the type that’s ready for where we’re at.
That being said…
What’s a Man?
Men are the ideal type for building a lasting, intimate relationship with. They’re generous, long term thinkers, and are looking for the woman they’ll settle down, create a home, a start a family with. That’s Woman, not Girl. Because like you, they’re looking for the type that’s ready for them.
They want someone who’ll appreciate the effort they put into the relationship, and they have all the qualities you’d want in a partner. Drive, devotion, and a desire to see happiness on your face are compelling forces within them, and they’re the diamond in the rough you’re looking for when it comes to finding a partner you can count on.
So what do these men want from US?
Look, men really aren’t that complicated. Their brains aren’t like ours, and there are a ton of differences woven into us. Why? Because we’re meant to be puzzle pieces so we can fit together and make something bigger, stronger, and better when we lean into each other and combine our superpowers.
They use less words than us, they don’t multitask like we do, and their minds aren’t as busy and preoccupied as ours. Trust me, that balance is a good thing.
What they want is pretty simple, but often overlooked. And because of that, discord can happen in a relationship. But once we understand each other’s needs, things start getting a whole lot better. So listed below are 7 things men really want from their partner when they’re in a relationship.
Make it work with the man you love
Basically, patience will go a long way with men. They’re hardworking, conscientious, and they have vision when it comes to how they’ll develop themselves, their carrers, their parenting, and even their husbanding. But we’ve got to give them time and space to work away at all that and create the improvements their envisioning.
Time to imagine goals, and then work at achieving them.
Time to make mistakes as fathers, then rectify them as they find the balance they’re looking for.
Time to learn how to become better partners as we show them how to have a loving, intimate, functional relationships, and time to put all that into action.
And of course, time to deal with their own emotions. Ladies, the worst thing you can do is not give your man time to go off on his own and decompress. For men, time and space are vital to their thought process and emotional control, so let them take time when they need it.
We seek what’s familiar, and our brains adore consistency. It’s relaxing, soothing, and best of all, predictable.
There are things you do for your man on a daily basis that are little signs of love. Maybe it’s a greeting (or goodbye) at the door. Maybe it’s making that coffee in the morning. No matter what it is, being consistent with that regardless of the fight you just had or the craziness in your life will be a big deal for him.
It tells him that no matter what’s happening in his life, he can count on you for something every day. It really doesn’t matter how small it is, if you can do that for him consistently he’ll love you even more.
WATCH: BUSTING THE MYTH ABOUT MEN’S FEELINGS
I mentioned earlier how our brains aren’t designed the same, and calmness is a huge difference between us. Women’s brains are so much more active on a daily basis, that it’s the reason most of us need a little bit more sleep than men do. And really, can you actually fathom that your brain can rest on a place called “Nothing”?
Well, his does. As for me, I have to make an effort to get there. That’s why I meditate!
Being able to create calmness within yourself helps you meet him hallway between your multitasking brain and his single tasking one. And for him, that’s very soothing.
Volatility is one of the worst characteristic we can bring into a relationship. It upends his world because he never knows who you’re going to be from one moment to the next. Because of that his brains simply can’t relax, and the end result is a ton more anxiety getting dumped into the relationship. Now, you’re both on edge, and that doesn’t help your ability to sustain a great, magical relationship for the long term.
Look, the more relaxed you are around each other, the more love can grow. So if you’re not already, start meditating so you can bring less fear, stress, and anger to your union. He’ll thank you for it, and frankly, so will your brain and emotions.
Men don’t need a lot of attention, but having a little bit on a daily basis really fills their love bank. It helps to understand their Love Language so you can be efficient with how you dole out that attention, and don’t end up wasting time and energy doing things that won’t measure on their scale.
So figure out how he absorbs love. Is it through physical affection, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or gifts? You’ll find the clue when you look at how he shows love for others, but if you’re really lost then go buy the Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman and do the test at the back together. You’ll love the clarity it gives, and he’ll appreciate having his heart filled in ways that count.
It goes without saying that when we finally choose someone to settle down with we really want them all to ourselves. So I think for this section, ‘nuff said.
The chatter inside a woman’s’ mind runs at about four times the pace as a man’s. We will literally process about 20,000 words a day, versus their 5,000 words.
That’s why men like it when we can share space with them, like on the couch, and just be quiet in the moment. Especially when the football game is on (cliché, but true). In essence, it’s really just us making an effort to meet their brains halfway and give them a chance to relax with us.
Quiet also works when we’ve got an issue on our minds that we want to discuss, but we ourselves haven’t fully fleshed out the solution yet. Listen, they’re as in the dark as we are when it comes to figuring some emotional stuff out, so it helps if we can shelve talking about things until we actually have a solution to present.
Men want to do what they want to do, but they also want to be with us. So if we can find a common interest and spend some quality time together between all those responsibilities that life throws our way, they’re happy.
It can be as simple as going for a drive somewhere and having a walk-and-talk while holding hands. With kids, or sans kids, it works for them either way. What they don’t want is for us to live lives where we’re saying “Hi, bye” for weeks on end without taking moments to build on intimacy together.
And finally, one more thing men absolutely want from us.
They want us to be happy.
Let’s get scientific here. Encoded deep into men’s subconscious is a desire to see happiness in our faces. Ever notice when a man seems to be really studying your face? Its happiness he’s looking for, and that’s an instinct in him.
Why? Well, because back in Caveman day’s survival depended on a lot of little things going right, and children thriving was one of them. But what greatly helps a child survival is their mother’s mental capacity. If she was miserable and depressed, how well would she take care of that baby they made?
So men, really deep down, want us to be happy and fulfilled because they know those emotions will trickle down to their children, and infect their lives as well. That’s why I tell women who date baby-daddy’s to seek out the kind who take good care of their baby-mommas. If he’s conscious of how she’s feeling, he’s an awesome dad. And frankly, you’d be doing yourself a disservice choosing a guy who didn’t care about the emotional well-being of the women in his life.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favourite online book retailer) . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get a free book!) and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.