I’m in a huge pickle and don’t know what to do. My boyfriend of two years and I just moved back to his mom’s house to help her with the upkeep and save up for a bigger down payment on a home of our own.
His older brother still lives there and I’m finding myself feeling more and more attracted to him. Both of them are very kind, sweet, hardworking men, and to be honest they’re even alike in looks and personality.
I’m finding myself thinking about his brother a lot, and I always get a feeling of anticipation when I know he’s coming home. I’m even fixing myself up before I see him, and am starting to fantasize about what it would be like to be his girlfriend. In essence, I think I’m falling in love…
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There’s nothing wrong with my boyfriend and the way he treats me. He’s amazing, and I wouldn’t change a thing. So why am I getting all these feelings for his brother, and should I follow through on them? I don’t know what’s right anymore, and I’m feeling confused.
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I have some good news for you, and it comes in the form of a switch in perspective.
First, though, I want you to go stand in front of a mirror, look at your body, and repeat after me:
“I am a biological animal designed to procreate.”
You need to understand that your physical body, your logical mind, and your spirit are three separate parts of you that either work together and help you feel amazing, or they’re working separately and emotionally pulling you apart.
So let’s take a closer look at your situation, and see how we can break it down into something that’s easier to understand. Because nothing’s more soothing than a mind filled with clarity.
Right now you’re getting physical reactions towards your boyfriend’s brother, like anticipation and excitement, while your logical mind keeps telling you the man you’re with is the best thing that’s ever happened. This is leaving your spirit upset by all the upheaval.
Each aspect of you has a voice by the way. Visualize that. Three parts of you talking away, each wanting something specific that relates to its needs and desires.
So, let’s look at your biological body to understand why it’s so loud right now.
Consider this; maybe those things you’re “feeling” aren’t actually emotions.
Maybe they’re physical reactions and that’s it. Maybe all these physical responses are your biological body, designed to procreate, exhibiting symptoms through the release of chemicals as they attempt to drive you towards what you’re designed for – creating more vehicles for DNA that have the best chance of survival.
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In essence, if you want to understand what you’re feeling, first understand the chemicals in your body associated with those “feelings” and why they happen.
And while we’re exploring all this, let’s not forget that “new” relationships are always accompanied by an increased dose of allllll those wonderful drugs your body concocts to help you feel ultra-connected to a potential mate early on.
Dopamine, which feels like cocaine in your brain, flushes your reward center when you see each other smile. Oxytocin gets supercharged when you give each other a hug, and those elevated levels can have you feeling heightened levels of warm fuzziness you haven’t experienced in a while.
So, if you compare this heightened reaction to how you currently feel towards your boyfriend, they don’t measure up. Obviously, you’re “feeling” more towards this new male because, well, he’s new.
So what if Instead of blindly reacting to your physical body and letting it lead you down the wrong path you, stepped back and got your logical mind involved in the game too?
Because when you use your logical mind to weave around your physical reactions, you can usually allow your soul to connect where it oughta connect for deeper emotional development and spiritual evolution.
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Listen, it’s smart to engage your logical mind, saying “Okay, is this actually good for me? I don’t live in a jungle where survival hangs by a thread, so is this decision right for me, or will it mess up a good thing?”
Because I’m telling you, your biological body doesn’t know you live in a much safer world. Instead, it’s still conducting itself like it needs to work hard at making sure our species continues to exist and thrive.
Understand too that we are not monogamous by nature.
I’m deeply in love with my husband, but does that mean I never look at another male and think, “Mmmm. He looks yummy.” I mean, should Robert Downey Jr. start hanging around, I’d get thrills for sure! When it comes to choosing a partner for the long term you’re going to find yourself re-choosing your man over and over because that’s just the nature of the beast. The beast being us. You know, mammals.
So yes, I have those thoughts and “feelings” and super strong reactions of attraction for RDJ, and I let them happen because they’re normal and okay. I don’t act on my feelings of attraction towards other men, and instead, remind myself that “it’s just my body.”
My mind knows what’s better for me, and when I go through this process it ultimately leads me to feel even more connected to my husband. Because even though there are others out there that I could potentially hook up with, I still choose him, his sweetness, his generosity, and his amazing kisses every day because our souls absolutely sing together and I love the growth we find within our relationship.
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I have a mantra I like to use that fits these sort of scenarios, the kind of situations where you feel overwhelmed by your body’s physiological responses.
“Resist your impulses.”
Don’t read too much into the sensations your body is tossing out right now. It could well be the newness of an attractive male in your vicinity that’s creating all these powerful impulses, and you might regret acting in what’s basically “the heat of the moment.”
These feelings might die down once your body adjusts to the chemical output, much like it did with your boyfriend once you’d settled into each other. All these chemicals are like heroin in your system – super stimulating at first, but eventually, you get accustomed and it takes a higher dose to gain that euphoric effect again.
So be patient, you’re actually just normal. Allow yourself to go through this without beating yourself up because what you are is human, plain and simple. And whenever you feel these desires and impulses rise up ask yourself some important questions; “What does my logical mind say? What does my soul want?”
And then take a good look at your boyfriend. His caring character, his kindness and compassion, his patience and devotion, his ability to make you feel like his one and only. Cherish him for the love and stability he gives you, and make your actions speak your love. Give him some extra cuddles, kisses, and emotional appreciation, and two things should happen.
1) You should feel these feelings for his brother die down, and 2) Your love towards each other should hit a new plateau, as you make it through another hurdle and reach the other side.
Life is going to throw you a lot of obstacles, and if you can choose to lean in instead of out regardless of what form they take, you’ll find yourselves falling more and more in love with each other as your relationship matures along with you.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My talent is helping you gain the perspective you need to navigate difficult moments, and come out stronger, better, and happier than ever.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they're looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.