Last week I went on a first date with someone I was set up with through a mutual friend. We had a great time, had a lot in common, and the conversation flowed the whole night. He even mentioned having another dinner date. The day after our date and again yesterday he texted me to say he’d had a good time, and I said I did too and would love to do it again. He wrote back “same here,” but I haven’t heard from him since.
I’m wondering if I did something wrong. Was I too forward by saying I’d like to see him again? Should I send him another text? I liked him a lot and think this could go somewhere, what do you think I should do at this point?
Another hot topic lately!
Letting him know you had a great time was perfect, and is in fact something I always tell my clients to do (if that’s the truth). Men who are into you always like to know when they got it right.
The fact is it’s never too early to tell someone you like how they light you up, because you just don’t know when they’re going to start leaning in and applying what they’ve learned in order to win your heart.
Here’s the thing about dating though – patience is your best friend.
Sometimes it takes a few turns inside a man’s head for him to come around to really settling into you. The key is letting him to come to the idea himself, otherwise it loses value in his mind. You’ve heard the age old “don’t tell me what to do” way men can be bullheaded? If you try too hard to draw him in it may backfire, and he might come forward but with a bit of subconscious, childish resentment, then blame the fast pace you set for things not working out. Or worst case scenario, he might take advantage of the fact that you’re willing to rush into things and have his fun, then move on to the next conquest.
You want to show interest, then see if he’s going to pursue matters. Leave it where it is and see if he reaches out again. I like to do a 1 to 1 ratio for texting in the beginning, that way you’re reciprocating but not over investing.
So what do you DO? Nothing. Wait and see if this is a man, someone with long term planning on his mind looking for the right woman to settle down with, or a guy, a short term thinker just looking for fun. Why? Because the last thing you want to do is chase a guy into a relationship, because this means you’ll be wasting time with someone who’s all sorts of wrong, while missing opportunities should the right man look your way hoping you’re single.
Keep in mind that your last date may be dating other people too, as should you. The first three months should be about observing his behaviour and noting what’s consistent versus what falls off. These first few months can be blinding, or revealing. The choice is up to you.
Look, have you ever read a paragraph that was missing letters or words (or even written backwards), yet your brain was filling in the gaps and giving you a relatively seamless reading experience? This is actually one of the things that gets in our way when we’re looking for the right kind of love – we fill in gaps when in reality we should be giving time for them to fill themselves.
When it comes to dating time and space eventually reveals all. Time for someone to unfold, and space to give you the moments of reflection you need to make sure you’re not glossing over red flags. If you’ve been following me at at all you know what I’m going to say next: Have a no kissing for three months rule.
Having a set waiting period for a first kiss keeps you from making costly mistakes because 1) you’re not committing to a guy who hasn’t proven he’s able to pay attention to you consistently for a relatively short period of time and 2) it keeps you from tying yourself down until the right one actually commits to you, plus you’ve given each other enough time to prove that you truly click, and this wasn’t just a flash in the pan.
Save that bonding kiss until you find someone who’s leaning in all the way and turning your crank with his attention. Trust me, it’s so worth it.
Not convinced? Okay, fair enough, but take a second and think about your fertility cycle. Off, and then on, right? That’s because you’re designed by nature to observe a selection of males displaying their intent, then choosing the best one to help you reach your goals.
Male fertility? 24/7. Designed to be ready when we choose them.
Kissing actually releases a chemical called Phenylethalamine, which tells your brain you’ve already completed the selection process, so no further need to watch for red flags. That’s why once we women kiss someone we’ll usually say, “sorry, I’m seeing someone already” to the next man who comes along… even if we’ve only known the one we kissed for one to three dates.
Listen, I know you’re scared that if you don’t kiss a guy early he’ll move on because “there’s so much out there.”
And he will.
And you WANT that.
Selfish, short term thinkers will for sure quickly move on, and that’s good because that type of guy isn’t the relationship material you’re looking for. Guys are fun for fun times, but not for long term relationships. Men are perfect for long term relationships though.
When it comes to tackling the dating dance and making sure the next one you choose is the right partner time is of the essence, especially the older you get. It doesn’t make sense spending time wearing blinders because you’ve been caught in the initial rush of emotions. And I know you’re done with realizing you never should have chosen this guy in the first place.
I certainly was. That’s why I threw my arms up in the air in my kitchen one night and said to whoever was beyond my kitchen ceiling, “No More Assholes” .
Read my books. They’ll give you the tools you need to reduce dating anxiety (meaning you won’t pull in the wrong one for you when he starts to fade off), and teach you everything you need to know about making sure you’re open for the right man to come along and win your heart.
In the meantime reduce your anxiety so you’re not worried about how this will go. Listen to this meditative track once a day with headphones, it will help ease those tense moments, where you wonder if you did anything wrong. You didn’t. You’re fine. If he wants you he’ll hunt you down, and if he wants you for a lifetime and not just for fun, he won’t be afraid to get to know you first.
Believe me, the right one is on your path, waiting for you to recognize him.
Recommended reading: No More Assholes – Your 7 Step Guide To Saying Goodbye To Guys And Finding The Real Man You’re Looking For. This book will help you navigate dating with your head on straight and your heart intact by helping you decide who will ultimately be worthy of everything you have to offer.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationships. Her books Say Yes To Goodness, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, and Fix That Shit are available on Amazon. View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list to be eligible for free giveaways.