Before you log off that dating app (or throw your phone against the wall in disgust) let me give you hope. There ARE some pretty awesome men out there, looking for a wonderful woman like you.
The problem is it’s getting harder and harder for you to find each other, given the glut of scammers and predators flooding your inbox and wasting your time – not to mention leaving a sour taste that might leach into your online experience, ultimately tainting what could be oh-so-right.
Personally, though there’s an increase in women getting turned off by online dating and an upswing of good men throwing up their arms in frustration because they’re just not getting the time of day, I actually do believe dating apps can work.
I mean, people are finding deep, lasting love on Tinder for Pete’s sakes.
Seriously. It’s actually turned into one of the latest “Meet and greet” apps out there. And it won’t be the last, but as it stands if you’re reading this it’s because nothing has worked for you so far.
Well that’s about to change. With a few tricks and twists to your approach and responses we can turn the tables, eliminate that rise in blood pressure you’re experiencing, and open the door for Mr. Awesome to step through.
Are you ready? Let’s start.
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First, let’s talk about scrolling males and how you can divide their intents in two: The guys looking to treat you like a piece of meat just waiting to serve them, and the men yearning for a stable, long term relationship with a woman who’ll LET them make her happier.
(Yes, they exist, and yes, that’s how they’re thinking. If you doubt that, it’s only because you haven’t met one yet – NOT because they’re just fictional characters in Disney movies. Unicorns are alive my friend!)
Obviously, if you’re on a dating app because you’re genuinely looking for something great, long term, and functional, you don’t want the guys. You want the men.
And to clarify, if you’re looking for a roll in the hay, some good ol’ “here today, gone tomorrow” sex you want a guy, not a man.
The trick, if you want a man, is to stop dealing with guys because those are the ones pissing you off. They’re the ones asking for boob pics, sending dick pics, and vomiting verbal bullshit when you try to politely say “Whoa buddy, that’s not actually what I’m here for.”
You and I both know that the quickest way from point A to point B isn’t a meandering road filled with potholes. It’s a clear, straight path.
My job is to help you pave that path, creating a nice, wide landing strip that the man you’re looking for will land on, stepping out of his plane with flowers and a love letter telling you how great you are for making it easy to find you.
So before I get into what you’re going to do to make it easy to find that real love you’re looking for, let’s get you out of the cesspool.
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How guys are approaching online dating
“Reading? What is this thing you call ‘reading’?” If you think writing in your bio “not looking for anything casual” will be a guy deterrent, you’re wrong wrong wrong.
Guys aren’t taking the time to read a single word, not even your profile title. Why? Because the words coming out of your mouth (or through your typing fingers) don’t matter one bit. Not. One. Tiny. Bit.
Guys who are running around on the internet looking for sex have their eyeballs peeled for one thing – women running around the internet looking for sex.
Here’s the thing you’ve got to understand – just because we women think a certain way, it doesn’t mean males think the same way. Go look in the mirror. See how your outside parts don’t look at all like a males outside parts? Genitals, body hair, even our shapes are radically different.
Now think about your brains. Why would you think they’re in any way similar? We’re so different when it comes to how we process the world that we can’t even begin to comprehend how the other sex is thinking and reacting.
But let me shine some light, because that’s my specialty.
These “one thing on their minds” guys are scrolling online a mile a minute, looking for women who are telegraphing SEX!
Now, before you get mad that I just said that, I’m not opposed to your sexiness. Not one bit. Ask my husband, I’m more open minded when it comes to sex than 95% of both men and women combined. He’s shared experiences with me that never even crossed his mind before we met.
But I’ve got a Chantalism to share with you – when your behaviour doesn’t match your intent you fall into all kinds of situations that turn you off.
So if you’re reading this because you want to drastically change your online experience, you’ve got to be open to tweaking some stuff, so it all starts working better for you.
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SEXY.
The problem is, it’s causing you headaches if it’s the first thing you’re presenting. And if you think that not being sexy means not attracting the man you’re looking for, that’s your first problem. You don’t understand men, but you sure as hell understand guys.
So, say you want to cut down on the guys that are reaching out to you – the ones that just end up making you want to vomit inside your mouth – you’ve got to NOT attract them in the first place.
Look, guys are super easy to spot. They’re the ones that send you what I call Low Investment initial responses: “Hey” “How’s your day going?” “Wow, great profile picture!” “You look beautiful!”
They’ve got five words max to send you because the fact is they’re busy copying and pasting those same words on a bazillion profiles a day, looking for the hook up they’ll enjoy that night. Or afternoon. Or whenever they can get you to meet them.
“Oh he’s cute! Let me click on his profile…. Ooo, look at how good looking he is. And he’s got a job…. Looks good to me!” Nope, nope, nope. Ladies, good on paper is nothing more than click-bait. Don’t fall for it. Because when you stop and think about it, you already know what’s going to happen.
You’ll message back. He’s going to flirt. You’ll flirt back. He’s going to send you some pics. You’ll send some back. He’s going to send a SEXY pic. Then want one back. You might send it. And the conversation will start to zero in on meeting up – but not for coffee – that’s “boring”. Or dinner? Naw…. He doesn’t have time! Let’s just meet up!
And if at around this point you start to realize that this guy only has one thing on his mind and you start to backpedal, he just might turn into a complete asshole. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen the texts, talked to the women wondering what to do next.
Convinced her that 1) it’s not her fault he turned into a complete douche (I mean, she DID say in her bio that she’s looking for a relationship, not a hook up) but helped her understand that she’s got to 2) change her approach to online dating so she stops getting battered by these types of guys.
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So here are your steps to reducing these instances:
1) Don’t be afraid to make your profile pic say it all. Ready for another Chantalism? Here it is.
Fear is the most expensive emotion you’ll ever have.
In this case, fear is going to end up driving you right off dating apps, and away from the man who’s online looking for you. It’s going to make you keep repeating the same behaviour, hoping for different outcomes, while getting called nasty names by jerks with their dicks in their hand.
If you’re looking for a man, and not a guy, you’ve got to stop being afraid that NOT appearing sexually attractive will make Mr. Right scroll right past you. He won’t.
2) Don’t give guys who give little effort the time of day. Seriously, any effort beyond deleting their message and blocking their profile is too much. This is the point where you’ve got to be super honest with yourself. Are you here for attention? Or are you here to find the man you’re going to spend the rest of your life with?
If you’re dying for attention and don’t really care how it comes about… if you get a kick out of complaining about guys who turn into jerks… if you feel like you gain an upper hand because you get to call guys “stupid” and “asshole” and can compare your IQ to someone who seems to be operating at a lower level than you are…. Then continue on. It’s your life, and you get to live it the way you want.
But if you’ve managed to get through this article thus far, are really looking for a long term soulmate, and you’re willing to take this shiznit to the next level and find the men who are there waiting, then take these words to heart:
Stop letting guys turn you off.
Instead, you take control, and turn them off first. Stop getting stuck in this crap cycle. Put on those boots, and get walking.
There’s one takeaway from this section: Make your profile pic (and accompanying pics, three more MAX) representative of who you are deep inside, and what you love to do. Don’t be surface my Ladies, get deep with your pics.
That roaring sex tiger you’ve got inside you can pop out when you meet a man who is actually paying attention to the woman you are, not just the chick in the pic.
So what should those pictures look like, especially the one that pops up as dudes be scrolling? I’m going to keep it to a simple rule about Don’ts and two rules for Do’s.
Don’t be bonerific.
Do be smiling and having fun doing your favourite activity(s).
Look, we as human beings are all onions. We’ve got tons of layers to peel, and if he’s not willing to get beyond the first level because boobage isn’t present, he’s not willing to get to know you AT ALL. Do you really want to waste any time with That Guy? If yes, stop reading and get back on your dating app. He’s waiting.
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If you’re not though, then let him earn some cleavage when he makes it to the fourth date. Because when it comes to stats and staying power, remember this: Once is nothing, twice is a coincidence, and three times shows a pattern. If he can make the time to see you for a fourth time, especially if you’re following my No Kissing For 3 Months Rule, he’s earned a look into just how sexy you are and understand that with his willingness to spend some time getting to know you, he’s earning a glimpse of your sexual fierceness.
Again, please don’t think I’m a prude when I say this. Wait till you read my memoir… Penthouse Forum ain’t got nothin’ on me.
But I’m all about helping you get what you want by teaching you how to produce behaviours that match your intent, and that’s what this post is all about. Results that generate not only what you seek, but loooooove.
So, to recap: Don’t make your profile picture a guy magnet, and don’t reply to low level messages, even if he’s super cute.
Now, how about attracting the sort of male that’s actually looking for a relationship? The one who’s saying to himself “I’m looking for the woman of my dreams, the one I’m going to buy a house with, have a baby with, give all my love to while I support her happiness, make her laugh, encourage her dreams, and sleep beside for all of my nights.”
Don’t laugh. They exist.
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Again, you’ve got to toss fear out the window. Yes, he’s also looking for a woman who’ll make his penis move. Of course he is, men are driven by sex. They have more testosterone than we do (notice his body hair, bigger muscles, and deeper voice? That’s all his testosterone talking for him right there), and their fertility cycles don’t have a monthly shut off valve like ours do.
Think about that one for a second. Your fertility shuts off every month, and his doesn’t. That difference alone makes us approach sexuality on two entirely different planes. His subconscious drive is all about frequency, while your subconscious drive is all about selection. Think animals in the wild, with males putting on a display and females selecting the best one. We ain’t that different…
Back to what will attract the “stay and play” man versus the “hit it and quit it” kind of guy.
That man? The one who’s looking for HIS special woman? He wants what you do. Someone who shares common passions for life and laughter. Has common goals and dreams. The sort of woman who can travel through life by his side, being his support system while he takes on the role of hers.
Sure he’ll be attracted by boobage. But he’ll ALSO be attracted to a genuine smile. To seeing you by a campfire if that’s what he’s into. At a baseball game, if that’s what he’s into. On a beach holding a drink if…. You get my point.
Whatever you enjoy about life, you want to attract the man who’s going to enjoy those same things, don’t you? So show yourself living and loving life. Sans thinking you need to show off your new mini dress just to get his attention. You don’t.
Then, write your kick ass bio, because THIS is the man who’ll actually read it. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts:
Get detailed about what you like to do in your spare time, what turns your crank about your job (hopefully you love it), and how you like to chillax at the end of a long day/week.
Talk about what you appreciate about friendship, and how you like to share it.
Talk about your dreams and goals.
Disclose what makes you laugh. And how many pets you have.
Be human, and express what sort of relationship you’re looking for.
My goal? Helping you make sure the next one you kiss is AWESOME
Say anything about what you DON’T want in a relationship, or what sort of man he needs to be to win your heart. Plenty of time for that when he asks, usually around your fourth date if he’s into you.
Write in all caps NOT LOOKING FOR HOOKUPS. Your profile pic said that already, he gets it.
Be negative in any way. There’s enough of that in the world, and a ton of that online. Be a breath of fresh air instead.
How will you know if a man has read your profile? He’ll say something about what he feels you have in common. It will be a paragraph too, not just “Hey, I like to cook too!” There will be EFFORT involved in his response because he’ll want to impress you with his level of attention.
Do you need to reply to each and every one of these types of messages? No.
If he’s not your type, so be it. The best way to know if a man respects a woman is if he’s willing to give her space to be herself, even if it doesn’t get him what he wants in the moment.
So if someone sends you a high level response and you don’t reply, only to get another, slightly bitter message, delete delete delete.
You don’t owe anybody anything just because you took the time to create an online presence.
Your life and your time is yours, and nobody has the right to try to control you through mental or emotional manipulation.
Of course dating is a very intricate dance, and I’m more than willing to help walk you through it – especially if you’re willing to stop wasting time and see who’s really willing to tango with you.
I’m great at helping women undo what’s not working in their love lives and get into what I myself found. Someone not only awesome, but willing to do the work alongside me to get to super-awesome. Cause sometimes we got some baggage to undo too. Both of us.
In the meantime, I wish you luck my Sister! Keep me posted as you travel through this weird and wonderful landscape we call Love.
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Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her booksDating 101,Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss,Fix That Shit, and Say Yes To Goodnessare available on Amazon. View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get your free book) and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.