Matthew Hussey, Please Tell Women The Secret Guys Don’t Want Them To Know
Open Letter to Matthew Hussey, By Chantal Heide
Hey from Canada Matthew!
I’ve been one of your millions of followers for years now, happily watching your fan base grow as more and more women find that handsome face of yours, and listen to your soft English accent dispense valuable advice. And for the most part, I completely agree with you.
Yes Ladies, do be brave enough to choose from the ones who make your stomach flip excitedly, instead of just waiting for someone to choose you!
Yes, speak your mind, your emotions, your truths, and especially your opinions.
Yes, communicate with a touch every time he makes you laugh, feel appreciative, or simply warm and fuzzy inside.
But Matthew, there’s one tidbit of advice where I feel you’re really failing women. It’s in this one area, during the most important time-frame in the early dating period, that I can’t help but feel like you’re looking out more for Guysthan the women who come to you for solid advice. In this one spot, you can help women better weed out the bullshit and find Mr. Right much, much, much sooner. But you’re not.
Learn how to use the vetting process that weeds out selfish, short term thinkers.
I’m not sure why. It could be you don’t know the science yet, and I’d understand that. We both study humanity like crazy, devouring studies behind attraction, body language, and what happens in our thought processes during the dating dance like a thirsty castaway drinks water after a downpour. But the information about the chemicals of kissing is a little more obscure, and takes some digging to uproot.
Or it could be that you’re holding that little tidbit of information deep in your back pocket, waiting to release it during your retreats or private coaching sessions. I don’t know. I’m hoping somewhere along the line you’re dispensing it though because, Matthew, it needs to be said.
Women shouldn’t commit to someone they don’t know, and women tend to commit with a kiss. Which means, women shouldn’t kiss someone they don’t know.
Don’t you agree with this?
If your answer is yes, then the next logical question (remember, life begins when you ask the right question!) is, how long does it take to know someone?
I don’t just mean know them on a superficial level. I can know the checkout guy at the grocery store, easy peasy. Know what he looks like when he shaves, know how his day went when I ask, and know what his game face is when he’s having a rough one and rolls his eyes when I say, “How’s it going?”
I also don’t just mean know his answers when I ask “What do you do? Are you single? What area of town do you live in? Do you have kids?”
I mean know him long enough to feel like the truth has come out. Long enough to understand whether or not the words coming out of his mouth are jiving with reality. Long enough to compare what he says with what he does, and long enough to see whether or not he’s consistent in his behaviours.
Long enough to not only see if he’s telling the truth about the big or small things he says, but to also understand if his interest in me is shallow and fleeting, or deeply rooted in who I am and not just what I offer.
How long does that take in your opinion, Matthew? That’s the amount of time you should be telling your women to wait to share that first kiss.
Your advice around this particular topic is to “go with the flow.” I know, because I’ve watched your videos, read a lot of the posts you publish, and even read the book your brother Stephen wrote, Get The Guy!
If fact, the lengthy soundbite you send out to draw clients into your programs compares two women, each using different tactics in their dating lives, and points to the one who isn’t thinking about her actions before doing them as the one who gets a relationship. While the one being more deliberate is left in the dust, spinning her wheels.
Now I don’t disagree that overthinking can get in anyone’s way. But not thinking enough definitely will, and when you don’t tell women to keep a clearer mind you’re not helping them Matthew, because you’re letting them fall for someone before truly understanding who they are.
I like you my friend, but I don’t like that.
Who benefits when a woman lets herself get drawn in more by chemistry than compatibility? Who benefits when she excludes the attention and efforts she could receive from any other male, just because she fell for the notion that those early kisses were the way to “see where it goes”? Who benefits when her heart gets sucked into his vortex faster than her brain can discern if he’s going to stay, and she didn’t “see” that he was courting her body but not her essence?
Who will stay around if she says she’d rather wait for the period of time that popped into your head when I asked “how long does it actually take to get to know someone?”
We both know the answer to that Matthew, don’t we? Menwill, of course. The type who are past those selfish, short term thinking days and are on the hunt for the woman they’ll settle down and begin a life with. Menwho are thinking beyond next week or next month when it comes to finding a relationship. Menwho are ready for commitment, and are looking a woman smart enough to ask him to prove he’s putting his money where his mouth is.
But our behaviours certainly tell that story, and you should be paying attention to that.
Ask your women this super important question: When you share a first kiss with someone, and get asked out the next day by another guy, will you say yes? Or will you say, “I’m sorry, I’m seeing someone?” Ask them if they’re comfortable dating more than one man at a time if they’re kissing them.
Let me know what you find. Hey, maybe your followers are different from mine.
But in my personal experience, both in my dating life before settling down and out on the road talking to countless women, over and over that kiss meant nobody else got a chance until this particular guy wore out his welcome. Usually, sometime way past the three month mark – you know, after the Honeymoon period wore off and reality stepped forward, showing us the warts we were blind to while our brains were wrapped in a chemical fog, telling us we knew everything we needed to know about this guy even if in reality, we didn’t.
Because it was too early to tell.
Matthew, it’s not fair to women to not point out the forest they’re not seeing, because they’re too close to the trees. It’s not fair to hide the fact that guys will say whatever, but won’t wait a whole three months if all they want if fun-fun. And it’s not fair to NOT tell her that a man who actually wants a commitment will wait for the woman who’s caught his eye. Even if she won’t kiss him till three months down the road.
Let’s talk about this Matthew. If you don’t know all this, or if you disagree with what I’m saying let’s have a conversation and hash it out. Let’s make it fun and do it Live, because if I’m actually wrong I don’t mind being publicly corrected, cause learning is learning and I’ll still love it.
But I know that wherever our conversation goes everyone will learn, benefit, and grow from it. You’ve got a great mind, and your openness and curiosity are your two best qualities. Your pretty face comes in at a close third, and I’ll give it a tie with your warm heart.
By the way congratulations on your deepening relationship with Camila Cabello! She’s lucky to be with someone with as much knowledge about humanity and its goodness as you are, and I’m sure you’re making her happy each and every day. I know my husband is enjoying the ways my insights into how we tick helps us share four fight-free years, and counting. After eight difficult years, it’s a welcome change for both of us.
I look forward to more from you, Matthew. More insights, more videos, more sharing of your experiences and how they shape your ideas. But I’m also looking forward to seeing if you’ll lean more into how the female mind works, and applying that knowledge to helping them weed out Mr. Wrongs before a kiss is shared.
We need to empower women more, especially today. We need to let them know that kissing fools their hearts, before their brains know what’s up. We need to give them the confidence to control their impulses and wait for facts, not chemicals, to tell the real story about the male standing in front of them.
So let’s, together, teach them that a kiss doesn’t have to seal a “see where it goes” period of dating. That instead, it should seal the deal with someone worthy of it through their genuine interest, affection, and compatibility. All of which can only be discerned over a period of time, one that outlasts the initial honeymoon period and brings reality front and center before another time consuming mistake is made in the name of Love.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favourite online book retailer) . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get a free book!) and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.