Ladies, how can you tell if the one you’re falling for is as invested as you are? If you’re thinking of starting a relationship with that cute, promising guy, you’ll want to read this with eyes wide open. Don’t find out too late that you’re with a cheater instead of the committing type you’re looking for!
When it comes to relationships, be sure to choose the right one
WHEN ARE YOU LIKELY TO FIND OUT?
If this is a new relationship chances are the signs might be right in front of your eyes. Well, more like in front of your ears… usually a guy is stating exactly where he’s at, but if you reaaaallly like him you could be ignoring the words coming out of his mouth by glossing, explaining, and re-formatting what he’s saying so it fits the pie in the sky dream you’ve got in your head. That’s not fair to yourself, and it’s not fair to him.
Not being a word nerd, or avoiding giving adequate weight to the things he says means you create high hopes. But you’ll find out down the road your relationship wasn’t going in the direction you wanted. Next thing you know, you’re venting to your friends about one more asshole you dated. But did he cheat? Or did he tell you all along that he wasn’t the committing type? Here are the obvious clues to look for:
He’s Not Sure
Sometimes people date someone who says from the beginning that “they’re not sure what they’re looking for” and/or “aren’t ready for a relationship.” These guys are plainly stating that a monogamous, committed relationship isn’t on the table, but women misinterpret the time they spend together as a sign that they’re “in a relationship”.
When they find out the one they’re seeing is still seeing other people they unfairly label them as cheaters. Women get trapped in this scenario because they’re afraid to have an honest talk about what they’re looking for – commitment and monogamy – right from the start, and aren’t waiting to be sure the person they’re interested in is looking for the same thing. How often have you heard a friend (or yourself!) say “I’m dating this guy, but I’m not sure where it’s going/I’m not sure it’s committed yet.”
My advice? State your dating intent on the first date and avoid playing what I call The Hoping Game. Don’t HOPE this new guy is on the same page. Instead, establish why you’re both hanging out together and listen to what he says. This way you both get a chance to make an educated decision. If he’s not ready to date towards commitment he can choose to move on. If you’re not willing to waste time with someone who’s “not ready”, you’re free to move on too.
WATCH: WHY YOU CHASE GUYS WHO PULL AWAY AND RUN FROM ATTENTIVE MEN
If You Don’t Have Time For Sex, He Doesn’t Have Time For You
There are a few signs that mean it’s about sex, and just sex for him. If you see these run, don’t walk out the door. This type isn’t looking for a committed companion, he’s just looking for some fun and/or distractions from his life. If you want to be more than just a plaything keep an eye out for these behaviours:
It’s all about sex from the get go, and if you’re not available sexually it means he’s not available either.
He keeps you at arm’s length from his real life because he’s afraid of getting called out if you talk to his friends. Or he simply don’t want anyone to know about you. Beware if you never visit him at work or meet his friends and family.
He’s too busy to meet most of the time, never (or rarely) answers his phone, and when you do talk on the phone it’s scheduled in advance.
He shows a high level of sexuality from the very beginning, sending and asking for sexy texts messages and pictures. If your relationship revolves around sexuality and lacks more substance than that, this isn’t the type who’s looking to start something meaningful with you.
The time you spend together tends to be short, just a few hours here and there. On top of that, you get more requests for last minute dates than the kind that are planned in advance. This means you’re more of a time-filler than someone he’s thinking about winning over in the hopes of sparking a significant connection.
Recognize the different types of men who are wrong for you
WHY DO MEN CHEAT?
Look, it’s easy to label people as cheaters when we’re pissed at their behaviours, but when you get the gist of how we function biologically it really opens your eyes. There are a few things I say that apply here. 1) With understanding comes compassion. Meaning, once you “get” how people work subconsciously you’re more apt to just shrug and move on, no harm done. And 2) everyone has a right to be where they are in life.
But not getting what you both want clearly on the table, then getting pissed because you found out the hard way he’s not as invested as you are isn’t fair. There’s only one person on this planet who’s responsible for the state of your heart, and that’s you. So communicating what you want and getting his position clarified keeps you from being hurt, and him from facing your anger over being hurt.
But sometimes guys aren’t 100% honest, cause they really really want sex. So here are some insights you need on why guys cheat:
The Thoughtless Cheater
Fundamentally we aren’t monogamous by nature. Seriously. Our culture calls for monogamy, but the fact is only 5% of mammals are monogamous and we don’t fall under that category. (Mammal: a warm-blooded vertebrate animal of a class that is distinguished by the possession of hair or fur, the secretion of milk by females for the nourishment of the young, and the birth of live young.)
The 7 year itch is more than just a concept, it’s our evolutionary code telling us the baby we theoretically would have created together has grown enough to run and forage for itself, and it’s time to look for a stronger gene code and once again make the strongest baby possible. This is a throwback to Caveman days, when survival of the fittest meant our species made it through the toughest times. So one of the causes of cheating is someone simply reacting to their subconscious instincts, without questioning its origins and considering the consequences.
The Thrill Seeker
Why are some people chronic cheaters? The fact is the act of meeting a new partner and beginning a new physical relationship has intense chemical drivers, since we’re designed by nature to couple up and get it on so we can ensure the proliferation of our species. The chemicals our bodies release when a relationship is new are incredibly intense, comparable to the same internal reactions we have when we do cocaine, meth, and ecstasy.
But like with all those drugs, eventually our bodies get used to them and their intensity wears off. People who are more driven by their bodies responses than their emotional intellect will keep seeking out the initial high found in new relationships, even if they’re loathe to let go of the benefits they receive in an established one.
Watch out for guys addicted to the chemical rush that living on the edge can provide. If he’s an adrenaline chaser and living a high risk lifestyle, cheating may be one of the ways he provides himself with the excitement he’s constantly pursuing.
The Insecure Type
Some people are too insecure to maintain a monogamous, committed relationship. These guys have a fundamental lack of esteem and constantly hunger for validation, and unfortunately one person can never give them enough. If he’s got more girl “friends” than male friends, watch out.
The Attila The Hun Type
There are guys who have super high testosterone levels and feel compelled to seek out multiple sexual partners to satisfy their high sex drive. They care less about people’s feelings than they do about physically satisfying themselves, and they’ll say or do whatever it takes to get the sexual partners they’re interested in. But they’re not patient about the process, so if he’s impatient about getting you in bed early on, you risk being another one of his flash in the pans.
Did you find a good man? Be sure to have a ridiculously awesome first year together
HOW CAN I TELL IF THE GUY I’M WITH IS CHEATING?
If someone went from being monogamous to cheating, you might notice some signs. Look out for these changes in behaviours:
They Suddenly Want To Look Hot
Developing a sudden interest in his looks might mean he’s taken an interest in looking good for someone other than you. He’ll invest in a new wardrobe, take on a new fitness routine, and show more care than usual to grooming and hygiene.
You Don’t Have The Same Access As Before
He may become more secretive with his email and phone.
He might become unavailable during times when he normally would have been, or staying later at work but not be available for calls or texts.
He’s Happier, And You Don’t Know Why
An upswing in mood and patience can also be a sign. The chemicals released during a new relationship aren’t just exciting, they’re soothing too. The chemical cocktail that comes with new relationships have an effect on your brain that makes you feel more satisfied and relaxed, since Oxytocin – that chemical that’s released when we touch – makes you feel warm and fuzzy and a little forgetful, meaning negative thoughts and feelings are diminished.
Fighting in your relationship might suddenly decrease, and your partner seems happier at the same time. But if you can’t point to something you’ve done or a change in his life that’s contributing to his new good moods, you might want to start asking some questions….
I JUST REALIZED I’M DATING A CHEATER
Okay, wait. Before you get pissed off, first ask yourself this: “have I clearly communicated the sort of relationship I wanted?” Did you get an explicit agreement about monogamy before entering the relationship? Never, ever, replace clear communication with hope and expectations.
If you did get that agreement and find out your partner is cheating you should definitely talk about it and find out why. Are they insecure and need more validation than you can give? Are they addicted to the chemical high that comes with a new relationship and it wore off between the two of you? Are they simply bored and didn’t have the courage to break it off themselves?
If this happens in the early stages of a relationship it’s best to break it off and find someone else. Just have a conversation where you tell them “this isn’t what I’m looking for and I don’t think I can develop the trust needed to continue this relationship. I’m going to end this before we become an angry couple that expects more from each other than we can give.”
Stand by your desire to have a monogamous relationship by backing your words up with actions. Cut off contact, block them on social media if they keep chasing you to fill their time instead of their heart, and continue on with your life by leaving this situation in your rear view mirror.
My advice going forward if this has happened to a woman: Have a “No Kissing For 3 Months” rule in your dating life. Giving yourself an opportunity to observe behaviour for a set period of time that’s not too long (but not too short) gives you a chance to understand what sort of guy you’re dating. You want to know what’s up before exchanging that bonding first kiss.
VIDEO: WHAT WILL NOT KISSING FOR 3 MONTHS MAKE YOU LOSE?
The best way to avoid falling for a cheating guy to not get into a relationship with someone you don’t know yet. Anyone who can’t make it through that 3 month “getting to know each other” timeframe proves their level of commitment. Will Guys (selfish, short term thinkers) tank before three months is up? Yes!! And those are the ones you’ll be happy you never kissed in the first place. Cause life is way too short for unnecessary heartbreaks.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they're looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.