So you’ve been to the doctor and received your depression diagnosis. Part of you is relieved to know what’s going on inside your head, and part of you is struggling with the stigma still attached to depression. You’ve asked yourself a million questions about how depression affects your life, but have you thought about how this changes the way you go about dating?
WATCH: MEDITATE AND CALM YOUR MIND
First and foremost, talk to a counsellor. Having that unbiased voice in your life to professionally help you learn how to discern what is perceived and what is really going on in your life is empowering. Counsellors have heard it all and helped guide patients through it all. Seek one out to steady yourself with the tools to take hold of your life.
Now examine your dating history. Depression tends to filter your life through a haze of negativity and low self-esteem:
Nothing goes your way.
The guys you’ve dated are losers who didn’t respect you.
Being single sucks.
Everyone else has found a great man, but you’re destined for loneliness and you should just pick a loser and stick with him because he’s better than nothing.
This is the best you’re going to get.
You have to break out of that cycle! With the newfound knowledge that you have a brain chemical imbalance that causes you to be down on yourself, go back and pick apart your last dating experience, whether it was one single date or an entire relationship. What parts of that experience did you not like? What parts do you never want to experience again?
Start a list – we call this the No More list here at Canada’s Dating Coach – and under the headline NO MORE list everything you’ve experienced in that last romantic interlude that you want to avoid. If you feel confident to go back further through your dating history and add more, do so, but if it stresses you out or gets you down, just stop and look at what you have. This is a stepping stone, not a dwelling place.
Start with the first thing you wrote down and brainstorm ways to avoid this in the future. Let’s take “No more awkward first date conversations” as an example. What are YOU going to do to make sure this never happens to you again? A big part of living with depression is identifying what you can do to take control of a situation.
Sometimes the only thing you can do is breathe, and that’s important to recognize. Sometimes you can plan ahead and be ready with 45 talking points before you go on a date. If I wanted to avoid awkward conversation on a first date, I would do research about what’s happening in the world starting a week before our date.
I would want to know what topics I felt comfortable talking about and what I wouldn’t. I would find out what events are happening locally. I would find out what new albums are being released, and movies, and books. I would be eager to start conversations about travel and hobbies. What will YOU do? On that No More page, brainstorm strategies available to you to change your situation for next time.
WATCH: HOW OFTEN SHOULD YOU SEE SOMEONE WHEN YOU FIRST START DATING?
Now that you have a clearer idea of why your brain has dragged you to negative thoughts and responses when you look back on your dating past you will probably find out that you caused some of the negativity. Don’t get hung up on this, the past is past and all you can do is move forward. You didn’t have the tools to identify that you were in a bad place, but you do now! And that is wonderful! In the past were you snarky, purposefully ignorant, or just plain mean? That sucks! Change that.
You’re entitled to a bad mood, but it’s also within your power to turn it around. Forgive yourself for past transgressions and plan for the future. Know what you want in a relationship and go after it. Even if you haven’t dated assholes and your romances just fizzled up, check out No More Assholes and get great tips on visualizing the change you want to see in your love life.
Finally, always listen to your instincts. This may be difficult for you to accept right now because it seems as though your guts have been lying to you. Take the road to dating slowly. If you aren’t ready, don’t date. Rushing to romance when you don’t know who you are, where you’re going, or how to get there is a path to disappointment and frustration. Get to know yourself again, or for the first time, and get back out there when you’re ready. How will you know you’re ready? You’ll know. Trust yourself. I do.
Here’s what you can do going forward:
If he’s NOT ready to commit and you’re tired of this scenario, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.
This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.
If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.
Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.