How Do We Go From “Seeing Each Other” To “Committed Relationship”
I have been dating someone for about 4 months. All is great, we have fun and have a wonderful connection. We plan dates in the future and get excited to see each other. But he hasn’t called me his girlfriend though.
He does call me cute names like “My Cupcake” and “My Lady”, which I love. I think we both really care about each other and our feelings are getting stronger. How should I approach the question about whether or not this is “girlfriend status” to him?
First of all, I’m happy to see you’re past the honeymoon period, or as I like to call it, Best Behaviour Syndrome. This is the time where we’re so high off our bodies own chemical cocktail of Dopamine, Oxytocin, and PEA (the aphrodisiac that’s created when our lips secretions combine) that we’re really not ourselves. PMS seems like something of the past, and we’ll even sleep less, yet feel more alert. It’s an awesome time but you can’t say you’ve gotten to know someone till you’re past this point.
Now the first question I have for you is, is he a Man or a Guy? I know you’re asking how to approach commitment, but I want you to be clear first about whether or not you should.
Ask yourself these questions, and tally up the score:
Does he seek a lot of validation from other girls, and have multiple girl friends he hangs out with?
Is he jealous if you hang out with other men?
Does he blow his budget on his outward appearance, with no money left for savings or long term goals?
Is he selfish and pout if your world isn’t revolving around him? Does he get upset if you spend your money on you, your interests, and your goals before spending on him?
Is he responsible, or does he often try to weasel out of his responsibilities?
Does he manage his lifestyle so there’s little need for effort on his part? Or does he appreciate the hard work that makes him feel accomplished?
Is he a good money manager? Does he own a home?
How often does he reach for the bill when you’re out together? At least half the time?
Does he tend to blame anyone but himself when things go wrong?
And most important, does he make a concerted effort to make you happy?
And finally, does he make you laugh more than anyone else?
If you answered “No” to most of these questions, then don’t even go there. This is a heartbreak waiting to happen, because you’ll never have the loving, intimate, and devoted relationship you’re looking for.
If you checked off most of these as a “Yes” (including the question about making you laugh!) then I give you the green light! Nothing but a Unicorn will be all of those points, but make sure what’s lacking is something you can live with and negotiate with him. We all have our weaknesses and strengths, and the key to a good relationship is fitting all the pieces together like a puzzle. I contribute where you lack, and vice versa.
So, how do you move this from dating to a committed relationship? Well, that can be delicate.
Know that the #1 reason people lie is to avoid pain, and men seem to really hate seeing the disappointment on our faces. I know too many guys who just can’t seem to break off a relationship they hate being in just because she cries each time they try. It’s a weak reasoning to string a woman along, but it happens.
WATCH: 7 QUALITIES A MAN LOOKS FOR IN A WOMAN
So be sure that you’ll be okay with his answer one way or another. Clarify for yourself that your life will be amazing with or without him. Meditate to shrink your amygdala, which will reduce your stress and anxiety level so you actually mean it when you say the script I’m about to give you:
“Hey, I just wanted to clarify something. I really like you, and I’d love to keep seeing you, but I just want to know if we’re on the same page. I’m actually going to be looking for a relationship soon, and I’ll be totally fine if this isn’t one for you. Totally, absolutely, 100% fine (big smiles big smiles big smiles!)
What do you think you’re ready for?”
WATCH: HOW TO START MEDITATING SO YOU’LL HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP
This lets him know 1) there’s no pressure. 2) You have no regrets and this was fun either way, and 3) “what do you think you’re ready for?” is a very easy, open way to let him put his thoughts and feelings on the table.
If he says this is just casual and not going beyond that, then say goodbye and have a 3 month no kissing rule next time.
You’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt what a guy’s intentions are when he’s spent 3 months winning your heart.
If he says he’s not sure, then make your actions reflect your desires. Do you want a long term, committed relationship? Then demote him to no kissing for 3 months and see if he’s willing to stick around and win your heart. If you’re not worth his effort, then you know where you stand.
Just make sure you know beforehand that if he says he isn’t on the same page you’re going to be completely fine! Don’t chase him and try to win him over, because desperately trying to convince him that you’re worth his time, effort, and love will drive him away, or worse, keep him around leeching off your willingness to take subpar attention and devotion.
WATCH: WHY YOU CHASE AFTER GUYS WHO PULL AWAY, AND RUN FROM ATTENTIVE MEN
And if he says yes, then make sure you pick up a copy ofAfter The First Kiss – 7 Steps To Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome! This way, you can avoid some of the common snags relationships hit during that first year, like insecurity and misunderstandings. I love nothing more than helping you settle into something Magical together, and this book is designed to help you do that. You’ll understand how to keep little things from turning into big fights, and this is vital to laying the groundwork that you’ll build on for years to come. There’s a reason why I say this book makes your first year AWESOME.
I’ll help make it easy to let the wrong ones walk away, and show you how to really ignite the mental and emotional muscles a great man is willing to exercise on someone amazing like you. I’ll even teach you how to recognize him, so you’re not playing guessing games.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is helping you understand and clarify those confusing moments, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you begin to feel like you’ve got a great action plan in hand. Heck, I even give you the scripts for those difficult conversations. My specialty is making love happen easily for you. So choose your plan, and let’s create some Magic in your love life.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they're looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.