You and I both know if you’re too afraid to speak your mind you end up staying in the wrong relationships for too long.
Which means that while you’re tied up with someone that you’ll later realize is Mr. Non-Committing you’ll have missed opportunities to find someone who’s actually looking to settle down with Wonderful You.
Typically, the first few dates are the ideal time to have the conversation about what you’re out there dating for.
Are you both looking for a long term relationship? Or just a roll in the hay? This conversation especially counts if the chemistry is there, you see long term potential, and want to see if this can develop into a committed relationship. Because if you’re seeing all that early on and let yourself fall for someone who isn’t looking for a relationship yet, the longer this lasts the more your heart is in trouble. Why? Because chances are if he entered this with the intent of never committing, he’ll be leaving with the same mindset, no matter what you say or do.
WATCH: DON’T HOLD ON TO Mr. WRONG
The thing is, I don’t want you to fall for someone who’s only going to end up saying “Oh… Well I’m actually not ready for a relationship right now. See, it’s taking me a while to get over my ex and I’m really busy with work… But you’re really awesome and I’d love to be friends with you.” Because that’s when you get hurt and start fuming that guys are assholes. They’re not. You just picked someone who wasn’t ready for a relationship yet.
Think the first date is too early to ask where this is going? Consider this: You know if you’re dating just to fool around, or if you’re dating to find that long term partner. So does he. So he deserves to know what you’re thinking, doesn’t he? And you certainly deserve to know what’s on his mind, too.
The thing is, we all go through phases when it comes to relationships.
Sometimes we just want some no-strings-attached fun fun, and sometimes we’re past that phase and looking for someone to settle down, buy a home, and start a family with. Those are two distinct and very different mindsets, but when it comes to finding someone to share either of those phases our behaviors look very much the same. Meet someone we’d like to get together with and see if it works out.
Don’t waste your time!
The burning question always is, are they on the same page? My question back to you is, why guess?
That’s why I wrote a book that walks you through the dating process, called No More Assholes, Your 7 Step Guide To Saying Goodbye To Guys And Finding The Real Man You’re Looking For. See, when it comes to finding your long term romantic partner you want to vet twice. Once for mindset, and then for compatibility. Is he a selfish, short term thinker, AKA a guy? Or is a generous, long term thinker, AKA a man? Knowing where their head is at before you get involved means you can focus on males who match your mindset, then vet again for that perfect fit.
And yes, it does go both ways. If you’re just having fun, and are in girl mode, then you want to play with guys because you’re both on the same page. But if you’re in woman mode, then you want to be sure you’re going to kiss a man, not a guy.
So have the conversation the next time you see him. If you “scare him away” ask yourself, what exactly did you scare off? Someone who wasn’t looking for the type of relationship you are? Someone who didn’t feel he saw enough compatible traits and values to pursue anything more than a casual fling?
If that’s the case aren’t you better off not being tied down to this guy? So you can find a man who’s looking towards the future the same way you are, and sees you in his plans?
And don’t think you know what’s going on in his head unless you ask directly. Assuming is how we end up spinning in relationships that go nowhere because guys just looking for something casual avoid bringing up the topic of commitment. They know the moment you’re certain he’s not leaning in for the long term you’re going to start thinking exit strategy, and he’ll have to get to work finding his next fling.
Don’t play what I call “The Hoping Game”, where you hope the time, energy, and expenses you invest will pay off, turning him into the committed man you’re looking for. Because meanwhile, he may be hoping you won’t ask before he loses interest in having more sex with you.
WATCH: WHY THIS BOOK STOPS DATING DISASTERS
Use my No Kissing For 3 Months rule.
Ideally, you’d have this conversation within the first couple of dates, and definitely before kissing.
Why before kissing? Because (for most of us women) kissing creates the chemical that bonds us to someone, and if we’re not clear about who he is or what he wants, kissing creates a lot of confusion.
The rush of chemicals released when we kiss imitate drugs like Meth and Ecstasy in our brains, and we feel so warm and fuzzy and excited it’s hard to separate these induced feelings from reality. Are you falling for him because you know enough to be falling for shared values and awesomeness? Or are you being swept along by your body’s flush of warm, tingling, happy biological responses to affection?
If you haven’t taken the time to get to know each other before that first kiss takes place, and haven’t straight up asked where he is in his search for love or affection, no wonder you’re confused. And confusion sucks, doesn’t it? It can paralyze because you’re afraid one step in the wrong direction will blow up the delicate house of cards.
So lay out your desires without demanding he meets them. You’re just letting him know what you’re looking for, then giving him the freedom to choose. If he’s looking for something serious he’ll appreciate meeting a woman who’s honest about herself, and if he’s not he’ll move on and leave you free to find a man who’s already on the same page. But you have to shed any fear of letting the wrong person go if that’s the case.
So how do you have that conversation on a first, second, or third date? Simple.
Here’s your script:
“I really like you! (Insert genuine compliments here and touch touch touch. Doesn’t matter what you say, it’s your touch that tells him you like him)… You’re fun to be with, so funny and attractive, and I love how easy it is to talk to you. I’d love to see where this goes, but I don’t kiss before 3 months because I don’t want to commit to someone I don’t know (science science science! Read this article on kissing to learn how to lay it down!) I need to tell you, I’m not looking for just flings anymore. I’m at that point where I’m looking for a long term relationship. So I’m not going to kiss someone I don’t know because I really want to be sure I’m making the right choice next time. How about you? Where are you at?”
WATCH: I HAVE A PRETEND FIRST DATE AND ASK FOR NO KISSING FOR 3 MONTHS SO YOU’LL KNOW HOW
What all this does is tie your behaviors with your intent. Listen, if all you want is fun fun with no intent for a long term relationship right now, then go have fun! I seriously have absolutely nothing against that.
But if what you want is a committed relationship and you’re wondering if this might be the one, not kissing for three months means guys who say they want a commitment but really don’t, move on. This leaves you free for men who are looking for a relationship and feel you’ve got potential together. And you know what? Those men appreciate the time to gain clarity about their compatibility checklist too. See, it goes both ways…
Know that they’ll likely protest, because men are designed to be more eager about sex than we are. Think about their fertility cycles, versus ours. They’re made to be ready when we are!
“I can’t wait three months for a kiss!” So let them know, “That’s okay! You don’t have to! But I’m waiting to know someone before kissing because I don’t want to make mistakes and waste time. I’m not telling you what to do… I’m just letting you know what I’m doing.” Then, let the sunshine glint off your beautiful smile like diamond sparkles off a lake.
Actions are what show true intention, not words. So if your actions say “I’m not playing around” and he stays, his actions are clearly showing HIS intent too.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? We can work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving you the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back. If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. It’s time to use different behaviours so you can get a different outcome, and I know what you need to do to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots. Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who can show you the way.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they're looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.