You meet a guy, you kiss right away, sleep with him a few weeks later, it works for a while, then heads into a tailspin of disappointment. You meet a guy, sleep with him on the first date to “make sure the chemistry works” like your friend advises, it works out for a while, and then goes into the ditch. You meet another guy, you wait to “be friends firsts”, it works for a while, and then crumbles into another disaster. You feel like you’re trying every technique, and still every guy you date ends up being another trip to heartbreak hotel.
So what does it all mean? The short answer is…
you’re picking the wrong guys (or you’re letting the wrong guys pick you)
WATCH: WHY YOU CHASE GUYS WHO PULL AWAY AND RUN FROM ATTENTIVE MEN
The deep answer is, your intuition is off the track, and you need to take some time to readjust your inner meter so that when your heart (and loins) go “beep beep beep!” again, it’s for the right person. Question is, how do you do that?
My answer? Go back to the drawing board…which happens to reside right inside of you. You see, we tend to spend most of our lives reacting to life, rather than taking the time to sit back and truly tackle it from a place of peace and Love. What I mean by that is, we go out into the dating world and say, “world, gimme the best you got.” But what I’m proposing you do is take the time to get inside of yourself, find the peace and love you’ve been looking for out there INSIDE of you, then get out into the world and say, “world, I’ve got some awesomeness already right here, now gimme someone who matches it”.
Here are the three steps you need to remember if you feel you need to re-calibrate your inner meter, AKA your intuition.
1. Love yourself first, so that you come prepared with Love to dish out when the time is right.
If you feel you’re an empty vessel waiting for “Mr. Right” to fill it, you’re going about it backwards. Like attracts like, so what you’re attracting are empty vessels, which is why each relationship is ending up making you feel…empty. The easiest way to Love YOU is to give yourself time for peace every day, so make time for a 20 minute meditation of your choice, be it relaxing music, quiet sounds, or just focusing on a mantra like “I deserve to have a partner who loves and appreciates all the bits and pieces of me”. Something like that…just make it something you enjoy and that uplifts you. Trust me, your brain and your heart will thank you, as will your future Mr. Wonderful.
2. Get ultra clear on what sort of partner you’re looking for.
Make a list and check it every day! Add every quality you want, Kindness, Passionate, Attentive, Affectionate, Communicative, Loves Dogs, Loves to Travel…you get the picture. Then think about every relationship you’ve been through and analyze what you loved (add it to the list) and what you hated (write the opposite on the list). You CANNOT be too precise on this list!! This is your ultimate man, so don’t scrimp! Again, what you think about you influence, so if you’re at home moping about all the sucky men out there, you just might keep on attracting sucky men. So start thinking about what would be wonderful in a man, and this will help you recognize him when you ultimately do end up running into him. Put that list on your desk top or fridge, so that it’s steadily pouring itself into your brain, and add to it every time you come up with something new.
3.Tell yourself that you’ll refuse to be rushed into anything.
If a man comes along who wants to be part of your life, allow him, with the agreement that you’ll wait three months for a kiss. Why? Because you’re taking the time to really FEEL OUT your own feelings. Your gut has been wrong…repeatedly. So it’s time to get disciplined about your feelings and stop being reactive. Allow yourself time to ride out all the emotions you’re going to have for three months before deciding where you’re going to go with this relationship. If he can’t wait that long, adios amigo. You’re trying to accomplish something (using boundaries to help you discover yourself and who he is simultaneously), and if he can’t respect that, he isn’t respecting you. A man who feels you’re worth waiting for is a man who’s worth being with, remember that.
Now this doesn’t mean you’re immediately going to stop making mistakes…or maybe it does. But keep using these three techniques and you’ll find that the caliber of partner you attract will get better and better with time, because as you tap into the deepest part of you that’s filled with Self Love you’ll find that the “beep beep beep!” in your tummy will start reacting to the sort of person who’s filled with as much Love as you are.
Here’s what you can do going forward:
If he’s NOT ready to commit and you’re tired of this scenario, or just want to make sure your next kiss is with someone who’s ready, get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.
This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.
Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.
If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.
Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they're looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.