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Are You An Independent Woman Or Simply Unprepared For a Relationship With a Real Man?

Are You An Independent Woman Or Simply Unprepared For a Relationship With a Real Man?

 

“I’m an independent woman and men are intimidated by me”

I hear this statement over and over by women frustrated by their dating experiences. I can just picture them sitting across from a man on their dinner date, fighting over who will pick up the check. “I can take care of myself!” “I don’t want to rely on anyone!”  These are great sentiments to have and they certainly makes you a power player in today’s  world, but when it comes to dating these are the attitudes that put you squarely in the hands of a Guy, and end up being a huge turn off for a Real Man.

 

 WATCH: WHY DO GOOD GUYS (AND GIRLS!) FINISH LAST?

Why?

Because guys want the sort of woman who are uncomfortable with being treated like a cherished addition to a man’s life. Guys want a woman who will insist on shouldering restaurant checks and household bills, and who contend that they can “do it on their own”, as though it’s something they need to prove over and over.  Guys are very happy taking a backseat to responsibility and letting a woman take the lead. They are content with a woman who balances reduced self-esteem with a need to “prove her independence”, making them easy to blame when things go wrong because ultimately if it’s going to be anyone’s fault, shouldn’t it be the leaders? If he lets her be responsible for paying for her own happiness and it doesn’t pan out, what has HE lost? Nothing. And in a guy’s world, gaining what he wants while risking nothing is just about as close to the perfect relationship as he can imagine.

Men on the other hand are an entirely different breed of male. Polar opposite in fact! Men embody the 3 P’s like they are the milk stool legs upon which their entire self-esteem rests. Protect (a woman from any and all dangers), Profess (their commitment for all to see), and Provide (for his mate and offspring) are a real man’s creed right down to his core, and to function in any other way creates discomfort in his psyche. “I’m not being a real man” says his soul whenever a woman insists on winning the fight over who’s going to pay on a date.

How can a woman tell if she’s highly independent versus suffering from cognitive dissonance? First, she needs to understand what cognitive dissonance is…

If she feels uncomfortable, embarrassed even, when she receives a compliment and feels the impulse to reply with a negating statement (“oh you like my outfit? Geez, it’s so unflattering on me!”) rather than simply being able to graciously accept a kind word, she’s likely got a case of the CD’s. If being treated to a night out by a gentleman causes twists and turns in her stomach, if having doors opened and flowers delivered gives her a case of the “I don’t deserve”s then she probably has CD. Cognitive dissonance is what happens in your brain when part of it says “I like this!” while the other part says “I don’t deserve such goodness”. And it’s so common these days I’d dare say its normal.

But cognitive dissonance is a woman’s biggest obstacle when it comes to settling down with the right sort of man. She needs to understand that her feelings of discomfort over being treated like a gift, and a great one at that, are her responsibility and hers alone. Forcing her feelings on a date by insisting that things happen in a way that keeps her “comfortable” takes away a real man’s opportunity to prove his mettle, which in a man’s world, sucks. He WANTS to prove himself worthy to a woman because something in his ancient lizard brain still tells him that’s how things are done. In the ancient world, women chose the kind of mate that aided not only her survival, but that of her offspring.

Until women recognize that there is more at play than the given moment, that when it comes to both sexes we still function on basic drives and instincts (like the mammal we are), women are going to choose guys over men simply to feel better, not understanding that it’s this very fight against our human nature that keeps them unhappy and unsatisfied in their love life.

If they can ignore those feelings of discomfort women will find themselves able to accept the love and commitment of a real man. Allowing themselves to react and make choices based on fear and discomfort only perpetuates those feelings down the road, because the guys they end up with will prove that they fall below what a woman truly wants – a real man.

 

Here’s what you can do going forward:  

Are you ready to share your next kiss with someone who’s ready? Be sure to get a copy of No More Assholes and find someone seriously amazing and ready to commit. He’s out there, I promise.

 

 

If he’s ready to commit and it’s time to take it to the next stage (woohoo!), read After The First Kiss – 7 Steps to Making Your First Year Together Ridiculously Awesome  and make sure you’re creating a strong foundation together.

This is the book that helps you avoid turning little things into big fights, and you’ll love how the advice inside helps you create the Magical relationship you’re looking for. Peaceful, cohesive, passionate, and intimate.

 

Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now. My specialty is your peace of mind, and I’m adept at giving the perspective you need along with the tools you’ll use to start feeling happier, clearer, and on your way to the Love you want ASAP.

 

Look, nothing sucks more than giving your heart to someone who isn’t giving theirs back.

 

If this is something you’ve done too often it’s time to break that pattern, and lucky for you, you’ve met the pattern breaker. You’ll use different behaviors so you get a different outcome, and I know how to trigger a man’s brain in all the right spots.

Your happiness depends on your decisions first and foremost, not his, and I’m the Sherpa who carries the burden of knowledge and shows you the way.

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Chantal Heide - Canada's Dating Coach
Chantal Heide - Canada's Dating Coach
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favorite online book retailer) help her readers attract the love they're looking for, regardless of their starting point . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.

2 Comments

  1. Helen says:

    Great article! It took me a long time to find the right man, but ultimately I did – after repeating mistakes because of similar issues you described.

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