Is He a Guy? Or a Man?

“Oh my god, I’m so tired of dating guys who (fill in the blank)”

If you’re reading this you’ve probably said that at least once in your life. How can you tell the difference between guys, AKA short term, selfish thinkers, and men, AKA generous, long term thinkers?

Watch his behaviour. Here are 12 things to look out for:

 

#1 – Validation: Guys tend to have multiple women they flirt with (or date), because each one strokes a part of his ego. His insecurities are so deepset that just one woman’s admiration isn’t enough to keep him feeling satisfied.

Men are too busy achieving goals or delving into soul-satisfying hobbies to have several women on the go. They’d rather choose one woman to keep happy while rounding themselves in other ways. The most important thing is knowing their efforts are appreciated by the woman they love.

 

#2 – Jealousy: Guys are very territorial because they fear losing your attention to another male. They’ll be suspicious of male friends and will want to convince you that you shouldn’t have any.

Men are secure and trust that you can decide for yourself who is and isn’t right for you as a friend. My husband likes to say, “I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me.” By giving me freedom and choice he’s assured I’m with him because I want to be, not because he bullies me.

 

#3 – Appearances: Guys love insecurity because it makes you easy to control, but they themselves lack self-confidence. If they have to have the flashiest phone, watch, car, TV, etc. it’s usually in the name of playing the one-up game. Their deepset feelings of inferiority play on their minds, and they consciously or subconsciously insist on being perceived as better through the things they have, rather than taking time to earn respect and admiration with their personality.

Men choose to be valued for their character. They surround themselves with people who understand and appreciate who they are and don’t care to impress people with stuff. Not to say that men won’t have nice stuff, but what they have is not the standard by which they want to be measured.

 

#4 – Selfishness: Guys will have a what’s in it for me attitude and focus on what serves them without regard for other people. They’ll fail to see what others do for them, often complaining about how their efforts aren’t rewarded enough.

Men are generous with those they care for and will put themselves after family and close friends.

 

#5 – Control: Guys are easily recognized by their controlling behaviours. They don’t take into account what’s important to you and make you feel guilty if you don’t spend your time and money on them. Need to pay your bills? Well, you obviously don’t care about him if you don’t pay his debts first. You want to see your sister, who hasn’t been doing well lately? Certainly you’re not interested in being with him if you’re not making him a priority. Do you see what I mean?

Men want you to lead a rich and fulfilling life, however that may be. They have a fundamental understanding that when you’re happy you’ll bring that happiness home and plant the seed in his garden, growing something you’ll both be able to enjoy. Their most common question is, “What do you want?”

 

#6 – Responsibilities: Guys will complain or even scheme to ditch their responsibilities towards work, children, friends, and exes they’re obliged to support. Because they’re so focused on their own gratification anything that gets in the way is a source of annoyance to them.

Men will man up and look after their responsibilities with pride and effort. They’ll work long hours to achieve more than the average man and spend as much time as possible with their kids, seeking to have a positive influence before they become independent. They’ll be generous with the mothers of their children and step in to ensure their kids have secure and reliable housing, activities and medical aid covered, and necessities paid for, knowing doing so contributes to their child’s sense of stability and happiness.

 

#7 – Affection: One indicator of dating a guy is how hard it is to win his affections. In a relationship with a man love and appreciation come freely but guys make you earn scraps of their love. If you have to keep buying things, paying for dinners, or be so easy to be around that you can’t even voice an opinion, run. Staying in this relationship will be so draining you’ll end up feeling empty.

 

#8 – Effort: Guys like to gain maximum benefits with minimal effort. Does he own a house? Does he have a steady job he works hard at? Or does he work just enough to cover his basics, leaving it to others to pick up the tab?

Men will show effort in many areas of their lives, knowing that hard work gets them ahead. They love gaining self-respect by  achieving as much as they can and knowing they’ve earned what they have.

 

#9 – Finances: Guys are notoriously bad with money, living in a here today, gone tomorrow kind of world. They manipulate their surroundings in such a way that there’s someone else to pick up the bill and don’t feel it necessary to save for a rainy day. When a guy comes into a pile of money it’s quickly gone, spent on frivolous things like fancy cars or gadgets. He might even spend some on you, but he’ll be asking you to foot the bill as soon as the cash runs out, which won’t take long.

Men keep a keen eye on long term goals and have no problem saving enough to make sure their expenses are covered. It takes a disaster to put a man into financial trouble because the last thing he wants is to be a burden on someone else.

 

#10 – Blame: Guys don’t like to take responsibility for the negativity in their lives. It’s someone else’s fault the rent didn’t get paid. It’s someone else’s fault their car broke down. It’s certainly your fault you two are fighting! No matter what the circumstance, it can always be twisted in such a way that blame falls on anyone’s shoulders but theirs.

Men, well, men have egos too, so while they don’t lay blame on others for the more technical issues it may take time to see where they contributed to relationship obstacles. What they will do is agree to work through tough times with you, consenting to counseling to fix problems.

 

#11 – Paying: Guys might be generous at first, but that soon drops off, and you’ll be reaching for your wallet while he pretends to ignore the bill.

Men on the other hand are ready to fight you to the death for the tab. Their instinct to protect and provide means they’ll be mortified if you pay for them more than they treat you, and if their finances are low they’d rather stay home than have you take them out.

 

#12 – Happiness: Guys are all about their own happiness and rarely ask what makes you happy.

Men want you to be happy and when you’re not, they’re not. It’s in a man’s DNA to look for happiness in a woman’s face because when a mother thrives so does her children, and the cycle of a man providing for a woman’s happiness keeps our species flourishing.

 

Now that I’ve laid out twelve ways you can tell if you’re looking at a guy or a man, keep one thing in mind – nobody’s perfect.

It’s unreasonable to expect any one person to be all twelve of those things and be The Perfect Man, although if you find that unicorn you’d better do everything you can to keep him. But if he’s mostly guy move on and find someone else, or set higher standards and see if he turns himself into a man by rising to meet them.

What about you? Take a look at this list again and substitute guy with girl, and man with woman. If you’re a girl, then men won’t be looking to make long term plans with you. Remember, like attracts like, and men are looking for women who’ll be able to complement their long term goals. Do some personal work and attract the man you want; the last thing you want to be is a guy magnet!

That being said, never, ever compromise your physical safety. The moment a guy puts his hands on you, it should be over. No ifs, ands, or buts. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and if he feels entitled to do it once he’ll feel entitled to do it again, and that’s not okay nor something you should ever allow.

Not for one second.

There are way too many other men out there for you to be wasting your preciousness on someone who would so blatantly disrespect you. Don’t allow for tears or apologies or excuses. End it and move on. If you have trouble doing that, then get help. We are all sisters, and when you allow this sort of pain to your soul we all feel it in our own.

Help yourself, and take care of your beautiful spirit by never letting anyone drag it down to the ground so they can step on it. Love yourself as much as we all love you! Reach out to your local resources and vow to never allow a person to disrespect your body and soul. Help is always available to give you the support and tools to lift yourself up. Take them and fly.

Texting Secrets That Will Reel In THE ONE

“Should I write him back right away?”

“What should I say when I text him?”

“Should I text him first?”

Oh, the torture of those first few months! You’re walking a tightrope, trying to balance what you want to do versus society’s confusing messages. “Be bold! This isn’t the dark ages!” says one side. “Be demure! Make men chase!” says the other. What’s right and what’s wrong?

You want to show a man you’re interested, but you don’t want to come across as desperate. Here are texting tips that will help you strike a balance.

1. Once he’s made contact after your first meeting and taken you on a date, send him a text saying something sweet or invite him out, and give him the opportunity to respond. You’re too valuable to be spending your time trying to corral a guy into being with you. If he takes longer to reply than you’d like, tamper down those antsy fingers and worries he didn’t get the message and continue to wait. If he didn’t get your text and he’s into you, he’ll reach out and make sure he’s maintaining contact. If he received your last message and isn’t sure if he wants to respond, sending him another one is just chasing after him.

2. Hold those epic lines of poetry about his soul a little while longer and let him lead the way regarding how much to share via text. If you send him messages that are lovey-dovey-smoochey-poochey in response to messages about where to meet and how to get there he’ll feel you’re significantly more emotionally invested, which could either scare him off or give the impression you’re desperate. Take a deep breath and let the moment pass.

3. Make your texts worth waiting for. There’s a cute quote I found on the internet saying, “I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile.” Make sure when you text him something will trigger his happy place. If you know he does everything he can to spend time with you send a text inviting him to join you somewhere. Write him a short note letting him know you’re thinking about him, or send a picture of something that reminded you of what you talked about. Craft a short and sweet thank you text after a fabulous date, telling him you had a great time and are looking forward to seeing him again.

4.  Don’t demand to be entertained, and don’t be his time filler. Men process and use one fourth of the words we do, so it’s no surprise too many questions can feel overwhelming. Save your questions for when you see him face-to-face, because what you want is a man making the effort to spend enough face time to get to know you. Don’t get caught up in answering a million questions over text either. If he’s not willing to make space in his life for your physical presence he’s not putting in enough elbow grease to earn you.

5.  Don’t accept last minute invitations. At least not for the first few months. Remember, you’re a fabulous woman living a fabulous life. It’s not like you’re sitting around waiting for someone to improve your life. What you’re looking for is someone who’ll be a great fit. So if he sends a text asking if he can come over (booty call alert!) or if you can get together tonight or tomorrow, gracefully decline while letting him know you’d still love to see him—when he plans ahead. Something like, “I’d love to, but I have something going on already. But I’m free (whatever day is at least three days out) if you want to do something?”

Do you say no even if you have nothing going on? Damn tooting you do. Remember, you need to behave your way to success, and when you allow yourself to be a time filler rather than someone he pursues and craves you become a short term option to his lizard brain.

If he plans dates further out it means he’s interested in you. If he doesn’t, consider this a red flag. He may be lazy and have little interest in thinking beyond the next day, which is not someone you want to be trying to plan a life with. He may have other attachments and be using you to fill time slots that don’t get picked up by other girls. Or he may be slightly interested, but not interested enough to pursue you… yet. Whatever the case, make planning ahead part of your requirements.

This tactic keeps you from wasting time being someone’s short term option and lets guys know you’re looking for the man who sees you in his future life, not just his present day.

Get the book that’ll shift your love life!

BONUS TIPS!

6. Be clear. If he texts “let’s get together this week, when are you available?” don’t reply “maybe Friday” when what you really mean is “I’d love to get together Friday.” Men are literal creatures, and some may be shy and unwilling to push. When you reply in a vague way it doesn’t necessarily increase their drive to hunt you. He may interpret your words to mean you’re not interested, and the man who’s into you might turn away because he doesn’t want to bother you. If you like him, let him know. If you want to see him, be clear about that. You want a relationship filled with clear communication, kindness, and compassion, right? So lay that foundation from the beginning and see if he can build on it.

7. Be patient. When it comes to building a house if you rush the foundation you’re building on a shaky platform. It’s okay to allow time and space between communication and dates. He may be checking out other options, like you should be. These early months are about seeing if the person you’re getting to know will be the right one to commit to, not about committing. Don’t create an expectation he should reply within a certain timeframe or make another date within a day of your last one. Be fluid, allow things to flow and progress slowly. Let him realize that compared to whatever else is out there, you’re the most mature, most patient, most understanding, most interesting woman he’ll find. Let him run his course and come to you naturally. Just like you don’t want a man to bully you into a relationship with him, you shouldn’t be bullying him into committing to you. Set your expectations aside and simply observe.

If he floats away that’s okay. Remember, you’re looking for the man who’ll fall in love with you and all your qualities. Maybe he understands you’re fundamentally different people. Maybe he feels you’re looking for a man who’ll invest more than he’s willing to give. Whatever the case, in the long run you’re better off without him, so don’t mourn the loss of something you never had. This is why it’s vital to not attach too much importance to any one person in the early stages and to be open to dating more than one man at once. The dating dance is a ritual of finding a partner who’s swaying to the same rhythm as you, something that only time can tell.

What Are Men Looking For Anyway?

What's worse than getting into the wrong relationship? Staying in one.

I’m going to admit it… I’m guilty of that.

It’s a simple human fact that us humans hate to lose.

Hate to lose time.

Hate to lose money.

Hate to lose at love, because when we invest so much it sucks to have to look back and say, Well that was for nothing.

But sometimes that die hard attitude just leads to more loss because we end up holding on for way too long, while hoping all the heart and soul we’ve put in will come back to us.

Look, us women are kind, generous, and caring by nature, and we should be. We’re mothers deep down to our very core, designed to make sure other human beings thrive under our attention to detail and willingness to sacrifice.

The problem is, sometimes we’re choosing the wrong humans to give all that attention to.

See, GUYS will take all that Goodness we give without thinking about what they can do to make us feel special in return. In essence, they’re in selfish, short term thinking mode.

And that’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that their mentality is a better match for us when we’re in a fun, here today gone tomorrow sort of mood.

That “Just for fun” mindset means they won’t put the amount of effort we do, and as much as we’ll hope to one day hear them say, “Hey! I’ve got a pretty awesome woman here, and I should do things to let her know”, usually that just won’t happen.

They’ll stay until the day we get tired of giving without getting anything back. Cause, you know… sex.

Ladies, there’s a glitch in our brain that says “If I put in more effort, try harder, and stick around longer, I’ll eventually get the payout (that committed relationship) I’m looking for.” All because we just hate to lose what we’ve already put in.

Hate walking away from the table feeling like we lost the hand. Hate giving up before the outcome turned in our favour.

But we’ve got to learn to let go. Because the sooner we do the sooner we’ll find the generous, long term thinker we’re really looking to start a relationship with.

A MAN.

 

I’m not saying don’t invest in a partner, ever. I’m saying give, and then watch and see.

If you’ve got a Man instead of a Guy, he’s going to want to invest just as much – if not more – than you do.

But if you’ve got a Guy, he’s just going to stay and take for as long as you’re willing to keep hoping for something better.

So whatever you do, don’t get stuck in a Guy trap when you’re actually looking for a Man. Use my free 12 Point Guide to give you the clarity you need to understand just what type you’re dealing with.

Because being with the right person starts with picking the right type.

What Is Going To Make YOU Stand Out?

Not kissing for 3 months.

I hope I’m making your head spin, because it’s about time someone turned this whole idea about when to share a first kiss upside down.

It’s easy to explain why I get such a strong reaction whenever I publicly say, “Hey ladies, hold off on kissing for 3 months if a long term relationship is what you’re looking for.”  It goes against what you’ve been taught, that nobody will wait around that long. But you’re wrong to believe that.

(By the way, I have nothing against just having what I call fun-fun. You know, the no strings attached, just for the hell of it fun fun sex. If you want fun-fun then have all the fun-fun you want! But if long term is your goal and you haven’t been lucky enough to have good intuition, then pay attention)

“You’re insane! No one will wait 3 months for a kiss!”

I hear that all the time, and what they’re really saying is, “You’re saying something contrary to the message I subconsciously pick up a dozen times a day, reinforced in every direction I look.” And I get that, this particular message is super scary. What if he won’t wait??

I understand that we’ve been taught that kissing is the way to start a relationship. But how did chemistry, not compatibility, become the #1 criterion for figuring out whether or not this guy is going to grow with you, be around for the long haul, and develop good relationship tools if he doesn’t have them already? How does kissing tell you whether or not he’s telling the truth about where he really lives, if he’s single and devoted of character, and if he’s someone willing to work hard to achieve goals?

Which book will be right for you?

The fact is, we are sold fun-fun as the path to achieving a long term, loving relationship, and it’s just plain backwards.

So let’s talk about what’s actually NATURAL for our species, us lovely human beings.

Let me take you faaarrrr back into time, before advertising and TV programming warped our minds and convinced us to sell ourselves short in our quest for a partner who’ll be invested in us for the long run. Back to Cave Man and Cave Woman days, when survival depended on us making good decisions not just on a daily basis, but on a moment to moment basis. When choosing the wrong man meant the difference between life and death (being a single mom just doesn’t cut it in the jungle), not just a number of hellish years followed by periods of grief and regret. What did we do then? What did we look for? And why shouldn’t we be looking for those same qualities, in that same way now?

Back when there were a lot less of us we understood that safety came with numbers, and we had to be super smart when choosing our inner circle. Choose a lazy man, and you faced a higher risk of death if you became pregnant. Childbirth sometimes came with complications, labour itself could take hours if not days, and those first few years with a baby inhibited your ability to forage for food and run from predators. A woman had to be certain her mate was strong enough to protect and ambitious enough to provide food not just for her, but for the baby they’d ultimately make.

Sex then meant that we “pair bonded” for a period of 5 to 7 years (yes, we actually have a 7 year itch). We certainly took the time to observe our mates before choosing one to settle down with, and the fact that our species is still here is proof that we were intelligent when it came to that.

Let’s be clear Ladies, the media knows you inside and out.

The companies selling the stuff they say will make us happier have invested millions of dollars before a commercial is even shot to understand how we tick, and boy have they got us nailed.

They know that we operate from two basic principles; 1) that our lizard brain is driving us to have sex as much as possible in order to continue our species, and 2) our lizard brain is still fear driven… And they’re running with it. Sex and Fear will sell us anything from toothpaste to diet pills to cars, and get us to do anything…  like damage our body and go into unnecessary dept.

Every day you turn on the radio or TV, watch a movie, read a magazine, pick up a newspaper, or see a billboard, you’re bombarded with FEAR and SEX. In essence, be sexy, have sex, or fear the repercussions in the form of social exclusion if you don’t.

MNA 3d

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But today, us women are told to ignore the instinct to be discerning. (Um, WTF) Women’s sexuality is thrown out as something to be given without proof of merit, and we’re the ones who suffer the consequences when the relationship fails and we end up wondering, “Why did I waste so much time??”

See, when we kiss there’s some science that happens – the science of Chemistry.  Our lips come together to create a super bonding chemical aphrodisiac called Phenylethylamine, and our female brains tell us when we exchange that first kiss that we’ve gone through the vetting process and shuts us down, locking us into that person. Case closed, you’ve picked a protector and provider, it’s procreation time! And when the reality turns out to be the opposite, we end up feeling hurt and confused.

So ladies, take your power back. Sit back and let the men compete for what they hold most precious, YOU. Let them show you through their actions, not their promises, just what they are all about. Then give them the greatest gift of all…your kiss and your devotion.

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