– Excerpt from No More Assholes – Your 7 Step Guide To Saying Goodbye To Guys And Finding The Real Man You’re Looking For
Are you ready? In order to fully commit to moving forward, you have to emotionally to leave behind what wasn’t serving you. Loving someone who couldn’t somehow make it work with you is not serving you. Wanting to be with someone who doesn’t commit to you isn’t serving you. Staying with someone who is abusing you isn’t serving you…but now, right now, you need to make a decision to serve yourself.
So what does that mean?
The Universe works in amazing ways…it is listening to your heart and because it loves you, it is bringing you what lies within. If your heart is still attached to the last guy you broke up with, then the Universe knows you’re not ready for something better. It knows that even if it brings you what IT knows you need, you’ll just reject that gift because you’ll be blind to it. You can’t see a perfect garden if you’re standing a foot away from the wall within which it lies. You need to step back, far enough to see the doorway leading into the garden in order to be able to enter it.
Now that you’re ready to take that step back and see the bigger picture, let’s talk about what you need to do to walk through that door.
Step 1 – Get Out, Get It Out
Step out into Mother Nature and take a deep breath. There is so much more waiting for you out in this world, so go and get beyond the spinning thoughts in your head. Open your eyes and see the beauty in nature; find it in the rough bark of a tree, in the wind swishing in the leaves, in the birdsong. Nature has healing properties, and it’s even proven to make you smarter; spending 20 minutes in Mother Nature before an exam will help you get a higher grade. Go figure. So make this moment our pre-exam moment, because the real test isn’t what you’re thinking right now, the real test is how will you tackle life after this last relationship.
Go see your friends, get social, start a new SOCIAL habit, not one that keeps you sitting home alone. We are social creatures by nature, and given that in our penal system we put people in solitary confinement for committing the worst of the worst of crimes or misbehaving in jail, doesn’t it just make sense to do the opposite for yourself? Don’t make this time feel like you’re being punished, turn this into your moment to heal, now. Right now. You’ve suffered enough.
WATCH: HOW TO GET OVER A HORRIBLE BREAK UP
Cry. Cry every time you feel like it, cry. Cry as hard as you want, let it bend you in two, take you to the ground, curl you up in a fetal position; let those tears come because they are your emotional detox. Every tear you cry is a little drop of letting go of the guilt, of the anger, of the sadness and shame you accumulated during your last relationship and maybe from some of the ones before. Purge yourself emotionally and don’t stop until it’s over. It may take a week, it may take a year, but don’t suppress and don’t beat yourself up over the crying you’re going to do. Your body and soul know what you need to do, so open up and listen up, and allow your feelings to flow. Every time you suppress you leave a little something to come fetch you later, something to bubble up and say “look at me, I’m still here”. Don’t. I remember at one point saying, “I didn’t cry today” like it was a novelty, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel so low that every day has its moment where your emotions take you all the way down, as long as you really allow them their moment to come out of your body. Eventually, there won’t be any of those sad feelings left to purge, and the space that will be left will be ready to be filled with all the love and good feelings you’re going to be working so hard to create in your life. Make space for those new feelings by letting go of the old ones.
WATCH: HOW TO DATE AND NOT SETTLE
Step 2 – Get Mad
This is how I tell people to do this step; “Learn the art of Fuck You”. It’s what fueled my growth from the sort of girl who would accept B.S to a woman who knew what was right and what was wrong for her. There is no statement more powerful than F U when it comes to communicating what you won’t stand for. You want to override my feelings? F U. You want to be unfair to me? F U. It’s what gives your roots strength, and the more you stand your ground and use F U to not go backward and end up in the same drama you were dealing with before, the better F U can help your roots go deeper and tap into your innate power source, the one that won’t let you slide into unhappiness once again. Every time he comes around and wants to talk you into getting back into the same relationship with him, F U helps you grow those roots. And do you know what happens to that tree with robust roots that are firm and feeding and woven deep into Mother Earth? She becomes so strong that the scariest storm won’t knock her over. She becomes so powerful that nothing fazes her anymore, and after every downpour, she feeds off the rainwater and grows ever higher, ever more beautiful, ever stronger.
WATCH: WHY YOU NEED TO READ NO MORE ASSHOLES!
When my last boyfriend came calling back because he saw I wasn’t going to repeat our pattern of breaking up and getting back together again, I took the F U I’d developed on my walks with Maggie and put it on the table. You want to tell me how I’m wrong for feeling how I did? F U. You want me to come back and be with you and nothing has changed? F U. You have every finger pointed at me and none at yourself for the years of fights we had? F U. Not only F U, but leave me alone, because I had made a decision to move forward instead of swimming in the same muck-filled water that had become our relationship. I was done being stagnant, trying to put the same ratty old band-aid on the same gaping wound, and I was ready for a revolution both within myself and in the direction my next relationship would take. I had learned a valuable lesson in what made me unhappy and I was going to take this education and graduate into something better. No if’s, and’s, or but’s. F U.
Step 3 – Purge Him Out of Your Life
It’s not just emotional space you need to make; the physical space he holds in your life has a huge impact on your day to day thoughts. You need to take away all those visual reminders that will trigger unhappy memories while you fortify yourself. It’s time to clear your space of HIM so that it becomes a space for YOU to grow into. Otherwise, you’re just spinning in the same place, coming across reminders and having to deal with the interruption of your growth by being dragged back into those spaces where he occupies so much of your mind.
Get the pictures out of the frames, off the walls, and deleted on social media. Keep one in a shoe box, because, why not, but stash the box far away in the crawl space or the back of a closet shelf. The only time you need to think about the past is when you want to reflect on what it’s taught you about how to better live your present and future life.
His toothbrush, spare socks, and other whatnots that are lying around can be boxed up and given back or simply thrown out. Same with those notes and cards and gifts he gave you that are nothing more than reminders. More expensive items need to be boxed up and put away until their emotional attachment has faded, then you can take them out again and enjoy them for the items they are rather than the mementos they represent. If you bought furniture together and it’s making you sad every time you look at it, replace it. Clean up your house, empty it of him and feel the process, like a sort of moving meditation, taking place. Be conscious of each step you take and make it a victory, one more “out with the old, in with the new” mantra singing in your head. Feel empowered as you do this because that’s what’s happening; you are taking back your life, your space, your emotions. Own this sh*t.
WATCH: HOW TO CREATE A FEARLESS DATING PROFILE
Embrace growth. It hurts, but don’t growing pains always hurt? Pain is okay, make friends with it because when it’s done right, pain is an indication of how far you’re willing to go to become a better you. It’s like working out your muscles at the gym to become stronger and fitter. You’re literally tearing the muscle fiber apart, and the healing process is what leaves you feeling sore afterward. But it’s in the healing process that those muscles create more fiber to fill in the spaces that you tore up, and when you’ve healed you come back stronger and able to lift heavier weights.
Be willing to invest the work into becoming your next evolution, and remind yourself of the caterpillar who sheds its skin four times before creating the chrysalis from which it will emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Make your home the sanctity within which you will transform yourself.
Step 4 – Be a Yes-Woman
I understand that part of you just wants to stay safely nested in your home, but don’t. And since it’s hard to trust whether or not you’re coming up with the right amount of social time, just trust what the Universe is sending you. So when a friend asks you to come out to the movies, say yes. When your workplace has a function, say yes. When you get that party invite on Facebook, say yes! You might end up saying yes to more stuff than you actually go to, but at least you’re getting into the habit of saying yes to life, and in time you’ll be right back on track with happily going out into the world and enjoying everything it has to offer.
WATCH: HOW TO MEDITATE SO YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP IS AWESOME
But also, say yes to yourself. Be indulgent! What do you want to do? You’ve been wrapped up in a relationship where you’ve been fractioning your desires, dividing them into categories…me, him, us. Now make it all about you! Take that class you’ve been dreaming of but not making time for because it didn’t involve him. Call up the friends you sidelined while you were so focused on your relationship. Make time for meditation, because now there’s no reason not to!
Make your satisfaction, your happiness, your LIFE your number one priority. Now is the time to start that habit, because the better you care for yourself, the better you can care for someone else when you fall in love again.
Step 5 – Be Clear Going Forward
Every relationship is a learning experience, so learn! If you don’t, then it truly was time wasted. Think about what you loved, and appreciate that, but think about what you now know is a deal breaker and plant the seed of “never again” in your brain. Life is as much about learning from mistakes, so as to not repeat them, as it is about learning from what gives us pleasure so that we can be sure that we’ll continue pursuing it. Learn, and become stronger and more certain of what you want from life and love.
If he’s NOT ready to commit, read No More Assholes and find someone just as amazing who’s ready for you
Need help figuring the whole thing out? Let’s work together one on one so you can gain the clarity and peace of mind you need right now!
Chantal Heide is an Author and Motivational Speaker, focusing on dating and relationship building. Her books Dating 101, Comeback Queen, Fake Love Need Not Apply, No More Assholes, After The First Kiss, Fix That Shit, Say Yes To Goodness, and Custom Made (available on this website, Amazon, and your favourite online book retailer) . View her BOOKS page for more information. Be sure to sign up for her mailing list (scroll all the way to the bottom to join, and get a free book!) and check out more free advice on Facebook, YouTube, and Itunes, as well as fun tidbits about her life on Instagram and Twitter.