I Want A Relationship, But There’s No Way A Guy Will Wait For A Kiss

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Dear Chantal

I’m from New York and I’ve got to say, your no kissing for 3 months rule wouldn’t work here. The environment is super-fast paced and if you don’t wow somebody pretty quick they’re going to move on and date someone else. And here in the Big Apple there are a ton of women and competition is fierce. I can pretty much guarantee that the moment you tell a guy you’re not going to kiss him he’s going to move on.

Chris

 

Dear Chris

What I hear you tell me is, your culture has convinced you that not kissing is counter to what you should do to land that special someone. I say “your culture” because when it comes to how we behave together there are three things driving our conscious and subconscious decision making.

There’s your drives and instincts, dictated by your body’s endocrine system releasing all those sweet chemicals we call love, like oxytocin and dopamine. There’s your values, which are taught by the people showing you how to survive in this world as you’re growing up, and then there’s your culture, the wider world that influences you through mass media and general opinions.

So again, who taught you that not kissing for three months was going to drive away any prospects of finding an amazing long term partner? Not your biology, because in fact that part of you is geared towards waiting and seeing who’s going to be the right man before ultimately choosing someone and sealing it with a kiss. More on that in a bit.

Maybe not your values, since most parents would like their daughters to take some time to vet somebody and make sure they’re not a serial killer before sealing their selection with a kiss.

Which leaves culture. But let’s take a closer look at what culture is and isn’t telling you, because personally, I don’t think culture has your back. Especially if you’re a woman.

Culture in North America is big on kissing, and kissing fast. Like, on the first, second, or third date, right? Culture wants you to kiss to see where it goes, which when you think about it, seems backwards. Shouldn’t you see where it goes, and then kiss him if you like him? His consistent attention, his personality, his ability to listen to who you are and respond in ways that makes you feel appreciated, respected, and understood? Shouldn’t he show you all this before you kiss him? Why isn’t culture giving you this particular message? Seems to me that would make more sense.

But anyway, let’s look at what else culture isn’t telling you.

When you took sex ed in school did your culture let you know kissing creates Phenylethylamine, which is an aphrodisiac our bodies create when two lips meld their individual chemical secretions the moment they come together in a kiss?

No?

Why not? That’s as basic as telling a girl that eggs are created in the ovaries and travel to the uterus, where they wait to be fertilized by sperm. So why isn’t this basic bodily reaction, that’s an essential part of sex, taught in schools? It baffles me that something as significant as a chemical that changes your thought pattern from “I need to observe behaviour” to “I need to procreate” isn’t being taught to girls along with other basic information about the procreation process.

Let that sink in a moment. Your culture wants you to be uneducated about basic sexuality.

Did your culture tell you that you’re a mammal designed to procreate?

No?

Why not? I know it’s not something most people want to think of because we view ourselves as above simple animal behaviours, but the fact is we are mammals. And we are designed to procreate. If we weren’t, we simply wouldn’t exist as a species. So that being said, think again. Did you learn, anywhere along the line, that you are made to want to procreate, and that certain chemicals in your body are released during certain activities in order to give you a stronger urge to procreate?

Probably not, because your culture doesn’t want you to think about how your procreation drive can interfere with your desire to choose a good partner.

Umm… why not? Well, let’s think about that for a second.

Take a look at a man’s sex drive versus a woman’s. We cycle through fertility, going from “off” to “on” on a monthly basis, where in contrast a man is always “on”. He’s ready 24/7 to plant that seed the moment we’re ready to receive it. So naturally, he’s on the lookout for a receptive female and certainly would rather not wait. But he will… although of course that’s not something you’re told. If I had a nickel for every time a woman said “there’s no way a guy will wait three months for a kiss!” I’d be a millionaire by now.

Nope. Instead, you’re told it’s best to not make men wait. You’re convinced men won’t wait. You’re taught telling men to wait means losing men.

Hmmmm. Aren’t you wondering why you’re told that, instead of just swallowing the message whole? Don’t you question where that message comes from? And answer this honestly; don’t you want to know who someone is before ending up in a relationship with them?

When you think about this cultural message to kiss on the first, second, or third date, who does it really benefit? You? Or men?

And where does this message come from anyway? Movies and TV shows and advertising? Who exactly owns the companies putting out all the stuff we’re visually digesting every day? Men? Or women?

Hmm. I wonder who they’re looking out for…

But okay, maybe you’re rejecting the science about our procreation drive. Maybe you don’t care that girls aren’t taught basic sex ed in school. Maybe you don’t care that mass media is serving the needs of men above the needs of women.

Okay then, consider this. If you behave like everyone else, what will make you stand out in this crowd of fiercely competing women in fast paced New York City? (Or any city for that matter?)

If New York guys are used to women competing for their attention wouldn’t you absolutely blow their minds by being different? By saying something different? By letting them know if they want to be with you they have to stand out in the crowd, just like you are?

And if you’re saying, “Hey, you’ve got to get to know me for a few months before I’m going to let you know with a kiss that I like how we’re working out together” and he can’t be bothered to stick around, what exactly does that tell you about him?

That he has no patience. That you didn’t trigger his heart and his brain in addition to his penis. That he’s more intent on satisfying his sexual urges than he is in pursuing a relationship with you.

THAT’S who you’re afraid of losing?

Look, if that’s who you want that’s fine, I’m not here to tell you what to pursue when it comes to the love of your life.

But if you’re looking for someone who’s going to take the time to work through issues with you, who’s going to be your pillar of support when you need additional strength, who’s going to care about what’s important to you, isn’t it best to figure out if he has those qualities before you kiss and get into a relationship?

And if you think kissing doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship, instead just meaning you’re dating, think about the word relationship for a second. If that word means you’re not going to kiss another man, and the moment you share a kiss you’re going to turn down offers from other guys to meet up for dinner or a coffee, guess what? You got into a relationship when you exchanged that first kiss, whether you’ll call it one or not.

So before you think not kissing means you’re not going to find someone special, ask yourself this: Will I find someone distinct, patient, and willing to tap into what I care about if those aren’t even traits I require from a guy before I give him what he craves? How does putting myself last ensure I’m going to find a man who puts me first?

And why, oh why, isn’t my culture teaching me vital information about how my own body functions? (Sorry, that’s seriously a pet peeve of mine, being a Sociologist and all.)

And here’s another question.

If our culture is ruled by men and it’s teaching us to put them first, what would change if we took it upon ourselves to prioritize our need to know someone before we get involved with them? What would change?

Maybe, just maybe, if we altered our behaviours to become more in tune with choosing qualities and traits over rushing into chemical reactions that drive us into procreation mode, things would start to change culturally. Maybe the tides would turn. Maybe one day, we’ll be the ones ruling culture.

Food for thought. Forbidden food it seems, kind of like an apple of knowledge in the Garden of Eden.

 

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